1/2 way there

Well tomorow I am 20 weeks which is 1/2 way to full term:) I feel like I have been pregnant for forever.  This week has been quite an emotional week (and I don't think I can blame the hormones).  Friday Armando and I left for Cabo San Lucas.  It was really nice and what I needed.  A little beach time is always a good thing for me.  We came back on Christmas day and went to my sisters where probably for the first time all of my siblings were together on  Christmas day.  I could only look at my dad and wonder if he was feeling the way I was my first Christmas without Mike.  Happy on outside and falling apart on the inside.  It was different without mom.  Christmas was her faovorite holiday, enough so that she always wanted to celebrate it again in July.  She would buy small gifts throughout the year and well that meant there was plenty of gifts to open on Christmas.  Baking this year was not the week long event that it was normally, abrieviated would be an understatement.  But we did gather at Dads and bake some, which to dad was a comfort.  Perhaps in July I can convice the crew to bake:) This year though new tradition, Shelly, Micah, and Armando played guitar and sang Christmas songs- I wont say carols as they were all the frosty and santa songs that Shelly picked out, but to him perhaps that is what he thinks of as Christmas.  So next year I will be ready with printed sheets of carols that tell the real reason of Christmas, Christ.

Well the day after Christmas I had my monthly check in with the OB.  I have been told by several that I needed to tell the doctor about the car accident and the injuries that I had.  In the last few weeks I can feel them again, I think it is the muscles and bones stretching, and where there is scar tissue and stiffness it hurts, but never the less I told him.  His response was -"well you are probably going to have to have a c- section.  I know my face dropped b/c he immediately started stating all the benifits to c-sections and its not that bad......... I forgot everything else I was going to ask him and walked to the car tears streaming down my face.  I realize that in reality it doesn't really matter how the baby arrives as long as it arrives healthy, but something inside me really wanted to experience a natural birth.  So I requested my medical records and am praying that they show that the birth channel is not afftected and I can try to have a natural birth. 

Thursday I went for the anatomy scan.  This is the ultrasound where they check all the organs and make sure everything is the right size and in the right place.  It was probably one of the coolest things I have ever seen.  I was sad that Armando had to work and couldn't be there, but I took Dawn with me and she had an amazing time.  It was like watching a video in biology class- you could see all 4 ventricles of the heart, the different areas of the brain, watch the blood flow into the kidneys, amazing to think this is all happening inside me.  Then they took a picture of the feet- holy cow the cutest things ever so tiny and so complete AMAZING:) Dawn asked exactly how big is the baby- well its 10 ounces- my response a good size steak:) pretty funny to think about. 

I am looking very pregnant now- My belly I think has finally poped out and decided to stay out which is wierd and wonderful all at the same time.  Until now it would swell and shrink and I felt looked mostly like fat as opposed to prego.  So we will see how the 2nd half of this goes.  Im am grateful God has given me this gift and opportunity- one I had given up on 5 years ago.  God can do amazing things:)

Torn by Beliefs

Today was an interesting day.  My brother had his daughter (who is 8 months old) baptized. The whole service I just kept thinking every passage you are reading you are misapplying.  It made me think that if I am having this much trouble with a small piece of theology in my family, how much harder would it be for people who have completely different views.  It made me realize why Christ said if you love me you must leave your family.  I was so bothered by it I started crying in the service because it took all of my might to sit and not say a word about all the things that were wrong.  I wanted so badly to point them out and scream  baptism doesn't make you a child of God belief in Christ does.  You cannot be a child of God if you don't have belief in His Son.  I'm not saying God doesn't love this child, he loves in a general sense all of his creation, but you are not a child of God with the gift of the Holy Spirit until you believe and confess in Jesus. 

Since my mom passed away I now have an even bigger burden for the salvation of my family.  We all grew up in the same house, but each person is at a different place in their walk with God.  Some are walking with Him, others just have the head knowledge without visible application of the truths they know.  I am not one to judge them, God will, but I am concerned for their hearts and the hearts of their kids.  My mom was the spiritual leader in our home, which may surprise some as you would expect that my dad being a pastor would have filled that role.  But it was her.  She was the one who would encourage us to read our Bibles, pray, and live a life that would please God, but above all she prayed for us each one of us every day.  Now I feel that there is a void.  So I feel that I need to be her voice to them sharing the Word of God with them.  I am not as bold as her, so this scares me beyond belief.  But to my surprise God provided a window today.  I didn't want to even be there, as I don't agree but want to show support so there I was an emotional wreck trying to keep it together on the outside. 

My 4 year old niece came over and grabbed me by the hand, "I need you" she took me out of the room to a large Christmas tree where at the bottom was a porcelain nativity scene.  She sat down pulling me with her and said, "what is this?"  I said its the nativity scene.  "whats that, tell me the story" she said.  So I told her about each one of the figures and why they were in the scene.  I ended by telling her that God sent Jesus so we could be with Him in Heaven.  She said she wanted no part of Heaven.  Why I asked.  "because you have to die to go there and I don't want to die" It was hard to explain to her that Heaven is so much better than here, but I understand her fear.  Then she said I don't believe in God,  why I asked.  "I cant see Him, so hes not real" but about 2 seconds later she was telling me how God rested on the 7th day of creation.  We talked about this for a bit and then went back with the family.

I needed that conversation today.  Maybe more for me than for her.  God gave me what I wanted, a chance to share with my family in a way that I could do.  My prayer is that there would be more conversations like these not only with the 4 year old but with all of them.  I am not as bold as my mom, but she taught me well by example that God places you where you are for a reason.  She used to tell me my adventures were "Jesus missions".  I was a missionary, not to a foreign land usually but to foreigners to the kingdom of God. 

I am glad God encourages me when I need it and it ways I don't expect. 

4 months and counting

Today is December 2, 2012 and well much to my unbelief I am 4 months pregnant.  It still does not seem real most days.  I am not as nauseous as I was, well until about a week ago, which is nice.  I am still not hungry most of the time but trying to eat at regular 2 hour intervals to give my body what it needs.  I am excited that I have a bit more energy and I have started to exercise again.  I really have not done any regular workouts for about 2 years, which is really sad, but I know there is a season for everything and well there is no time like today to start working out again.  Thursday I took a hula class with Leilani, which was alright, Im not much for group classes and really dont like a room full of mirrors but my abs need the work so hula hula I shall go:).  Then Friday in the rain Armando and I went swimming which was the 3rd time in weeks span as we went before Thanksgiving and I went again on last Sunday, but Friday I felt like the old me, not as tired and I wanted to keep swimming:) I only swam for about 40 min.  Saturday morning again in the mist we went down to Redondo and he ran while I hooked up the heart monitor and walked fast enough to get the heart rate up, I think eventually I will run again as it just seems easier to run rather than walking like a crazy woman for 40 minutes.  The waves were big and I always forget just how much a love the smell of the ocean and the sound of the crashing waves.  A good start to the weekend:).  This morning I got up and did a prenatal yoga video, which pointed out very quickly just how flexible I am not.  I am hoping if I do that a few times a week I can increase my flexibility and do everything I can to prepare my body for labor.  I just keep thinking that my mom did this 6 times.  My body continues to change, which from a biology background is cool and interesting to me as I try to remember all that I learned so many years ago and watch as God does this amazing thing inside me.  From my own perspective it's odd.  I am in what i call the fat stage, I am not big enough for strangers to see that I'm pregnant, but I am definitely larger than I have ever been.  Which means that nothing really fits right.  Maternity clothes are too big, and well my regular clothes (minus sweats) are too tight and uncomfortable.  The biggest challenge for me has been telling people that I am pregnant.  It just seems so odd and well something that I want to keep to myself for the most part.  Most everyone is excited when I tell them, but I just feel weird saying it.  I guess in a few weeks my body will say it for me. 

Hello Dini

Hello Dini, I wanted you to know that because of our conversations last weekend I am even more excited about my future.  I am really excited that I will be able to write in more detail tomorow- I can hardly wait which is something I thought I would never really say.  So until tomorow - thanks for the super yummy strawberries and your peaceful home last weekend:)

35 years

Today is Mike's birthday.  It would have been 35 and I imagine that I would have planned a big party or maybe something small just with family, but maybe we would have had kids by now, maybe not, these are some of the millions of thoughts that have crossed my mind this week and well often fill my mind.  However God's plans are perfect and His timing is perfect and what we dream of or speculate what we think our lives would be like His plans trump ours.  Emotionally these "big" calandar days always throw me for a loop.  I am living a life that looks nothing like what I imagined and had you told me 6 years ago this would be my life ( or even 2 years ago) I would have told you you were crazy! I still find myself wanting to make sense of it, but it doesn't, I want to not miss him anymore, but I still do.  This becomes a challange when you have a new husband (who is a great guy, so don't think otherwise) who you are supposed to be completely happy with and yet I still have this void.  I feel like a soap opera story line half the time in my life, which I think my life would make a pretty good soap opera, (minus all the affairs and murders and lies and well maybe not so much....) but what if Mike came back who would I choose? Its a good thing I wont ever have to answer that question. In Heaven no one is married as marriage is a earthly picture of what our relationship will be like with God.  Now its hard for me to make this picture mainly because my view of marriage is flawed by the fact that both my marriages are marriages between sinners who cannot love the way God can and does and will love us. To love and be loved perfectly is unconprehendible to me and I cant wait to experience it.  no more emotional roller coaster days, just perfect peace and joy.  no more questions, no more disapointments.  Heaven sounds so good!

10 years

Ten years is a long time, or so I thought.  10 years ago today Mike proposed.  I remember it, almost every detail of it, and back then I had no idea how my life would end up.  Today I went to the beach and thought about all the dreams that he and I had at one point in time.  Some dreams we got to expierience while others I had to stay goodbye to when I said goodbye to him.  I was reading two books today, one a grief book- which was bad, Ive yet to find a helpful grief book, the other If God is good, a book on evil.  I know I don't pick such light reading.  However, what I realized yet again today is that God works in ways that I cannot imagine.  I have learned so much in the last 5 years that if I had my way, I wouldn't have learned.  I still find it hard to make plans, for in my mind I feel that any plan I have will surely end in disaster (either for me or for those who are close to me). I know that God has a plan and it is for my good.  I know that trials are to teach me and to grow my faith and make me more like Christ.  This past year has been so odd.  I feel uncomfortable in my own skin most days torn and confused about who I am the choices I have made, and what Im doing and where exactly I am supposed to be.  I know I will never get direct answers to any of my questions and can only pray for wisdom.  I wonder in 10 years what will I be doing, what memories will I cherish from now.  Will I be proud of the choices I made or regret them.  Saying yes that night to him changed the course of my life in ways that I could not imagine that night.  I thank God for the gift he gave me in Mike, and know that His plans are perfect, and joys and trials I have now are gifts too.  10 years is not that long.

Happy anniversary

"the hardest part of moving forward is not looking back" Sally on Felicity.  I don't normally quote TV shows and really Im not that much of a tv watcher but every once in a while (the summer after the car accident, Friends became my "happy place" and well now) I find myself watching episode after episode of an old tv series.  Felicity reminds me of college and well I miss my college family.  College life is odd, crazy, and well like most stages of life you dont realize how much fun it is until its over.  Anyways this is not the point of this post, the quote is.  Today is the wedding anniversary of Mike and I.  Its wierd. It would be 9 years, and yikes that number sounds like a lot but time has flown and I can still remember a ton about that wedding.  I look back on the almost 4 years we had together and well just like college you don't realize how fun it was til its gone.  I know that both were full of there unique challenges and tough times, but really over all I am who I am because of them.  Anyways today is one of the many days that I find myself looking back and wondering if we hadn't been in the accident how my life would be different, then I force myself to stop as I usually paint that life as this amazing movie perfect life that "could have" been.  I was struck by the quote that the hardest part of moving forward is not looking back, because in many ways this is so true.  Its hard not to look back, and in many ways I think it is alright to look back as long as you stay focused on moving forward.  I am trying to be a better wife this round, looking back reminds me all too often how I was not the best wife I could have been with Mike, looking back reminds me how short this life is and how I am not promised tomorrow so I better enjoy now and not wish or plan 5 years down the road. (not that you shouldn't plan b/c you should but realize that God's plans prevail not your own).  But looking back does distract from the here and now if you let it.  My emotions get all jumbled up and most of the time I end up such a mess Armando has no idea who I am or what happened that Im this crazy lady.  Learning from the past is a good thing, but dwelling on it, either the good or the bad, is not helpful.  Our focus is to be on Christ and Him crucified.  So today I remember a great day that was the start to 4 years of God using a man to grow me up in Him, 4 years of me learning how to be a "wife" (which I don't think you ever really master)(and for the record I hate titles) and now God has given me Armando and well this marriage has different challenges  (poor guy) and different joys.  So pressing on is what I plan to do, as hard as that is some days.  I am hopefull that just like college and well every other stage of life when I look back it will  have been fun but more importantly I will have served Christ well and made the best use of the time I was given.  I don't know what the future holds, but I  am trying to boldly and cheerfully face it learning from the past but not dwelling on it.