adjusting to life

I am trying to adjust to life after mom, after mike, after wedding#2- I have come to the conclusion that you dont really ever come to a point where life is even and doesn't need anymore adjusting.  It is the constant adjustment that makes life, life.  Last night I found myself in a near death situation in yet another all too close car accident.  It yet again was not my turn to go and fortunately I didn't kill my dad or damage anything.  however my body reacted in a way as if I had been hit, tense muscles, shaking legs and arms, heart racing.  And this morning I find myself deep cleaning again with a side of baking.  Some people drink or smoke, I clean.  But I only clean when Im depressed or anxious.  (not surface cleaning, but floorboard in the cracks detail cleaning).  I don't know what it is. maybe its the smell of bleach, maybe Im trying to workout all the emotional energy I can, I haven't figured it out.  I do know that no matter how much time passes the void a person left doesn't go away and another person can never fill it no matter who they are or how much they try to love you.  So today I clean and bake (purple n black cupcakes =go Kings.... too funny that they would make it to the Stanley cup now that Mikes not here to enjoy it and watch with me, Kings games and Cubs games wont ever be the same with anyone else) but life goes on and you adjust your emotions and actions to make it through the day, honoring the memories and trying to make new ones.  In any case Life never turns out how you plan- that would be far less exciting- it God's plan and well I need to adjust my heart to focus more on Him trusting He knows why Im still here wishing I was not.  I know there is a reason and perhaps in my cleaning I will discover a new truth- its happened before.  Im in a place I never thought I would be and trying to adjust so that I can enjoy it as God wants me to.  Life is a gift, but some days are days I wish I could return or regift to a person I think who could handle them better than I have.  But I know tomorow is new and I will be greated with new mercies  in the morining. I hope not to be cleaning but rather singing.