Copper update

It was pointed out to me that in the emotional chaos that I have been I failed to post that I had to put Copper to sleep on March 24. After the weekend when he wasn't eating and getting sick, I called the vet monday morning and he said that it probably was time. Copper still wanted to walk but could hardly support his own weight. He normally would jump into the car, but I had to lift him up, which was sad b/c he always sat in front with me but couldn't because I couldn't lift him that high so he had to ride in the back. I took him for a short walk before going into the drs office. The office manager who knows me well at this point came over to say goodbye and the tears began. I will spare you the details but I was with Copper the whole process to try and keep him calm and well if I was about to die I would want someone to stay with me. So I said my good bye and left him there at the vet. Depending on your theology he is with Mike or he's now part of nature. I hope Mike was wrong in his theology and I hope Randy Alcorn is right. Because i would love to see Copper agian b/c he was such a great friend and helped me through some of my darkest days. I miss him a ton, but I think Sampson misses him more. He cries and whines a lot!! so today I started the puppy hunt. Not an easy process I almost brought home 4 dogs tonight just to save them. but didn't. I will try to keep you up dated. If anyone has any big breed puppies let me know!!

Copper update

Copper has not eaten since early Friday morning. He got sick friday afternoon and the sickness continued through Saturday afternoon. I talked to the vet on Saturday and he gave me meds to help calm his stomach. But he still wont eat. He just hides and well looks so pathetic. I have to call the vet Monday morning and he said he can give me pills that will make him want to eat so we will see. He is very weak and it breaks my heart to look at him. He still wants to walk but can hardly stand for any length of time. Pray for courage to make the final decision and comfort to survive that step. Thanks for all your support and prayers. God's creation is amazing and I have been so blessed by Copper.

Copper update

I promised to keep you (not sure who really reads this blog but) informed so here is what has happened in the last 2 weeks. I took Copper to the cancer specialist who really wanted to give him Chemo that day. I asked her the details of the procedure, side effects, and cost. The first 9 weeks of treatment for a dog his size (I like the big dogs!) would be around $3,000. Then there would be maintanance every few weeks after that for an indefinate amount of time, the most expensive drugs drop off but it would still be a couple hundred each time. This would give Copper about 13 months more of life. After many tears and about a half an hour of going back and forth I told the doctor I was in no shape to make a decision. I have learned from my mistakes that when money is involved I have to be in a good emotional place, or at least a stable one. So after much thought and a baking of several desserts I came to terms that financially I cannot afford the chemo. The other option is to treat the enlarged lymphnodes with a hormone. This would reduce the size of the lymphnodes but do nothing for the cancer.(it basically gives Copper comfort while the cancer continues to spread) giving him about 2 months. So last Monday I took him for a blood test to see if he was alright to do the hormones, when the doctor called with the results I explained that I wanted just to do the hormone therapy, he said he might have an additional treatment I could try. So on Wed. I met with him and there is a Chemo pill that I can give Copper but the side effects are much more like human Chemo than the full Chemo treatment would have given him. This would extend his life possibly 6 months. However after thinking about the side effects (which Copper may or may not get) if he did have side effects he would probably be sick for the remainder of his life. Right now he is himself, chasing cats, small dogs, he cleared a very high wall on Saturday morning hunting something, and he continues to be my cuddle dog. So after much thought I think in Copper's best intrest for quality of life I am just going to let the hormones make him comfortable. I feel aweful b/c I am not doing all that I can, but i don't want to risk him getting sick either. I can't imagine what parents of kids with cancer go through. As of today the lymphnodes are smaller so he is responding to them, but it isn't a cure and the prediction from the vet is about 2 months. So for now we are going on walks on days when I don't have class and I am trying to enjoy him while I have him, so I don't have regrets when he's not here. As I sat on the beach last Sunday, I tried to put things into perspective. I lost my best friend, pastor, the person who loved me more than I ever deserved, my dreamer, accountablity partner, encourager, and so many more roles that Mike filled, and God brought me, well is bringing me through, so surely he will help me cope with this. It doesn't feel any better, but God has been faithful and He will continue to be. It is another part of Mike I will be loosing but well Im not even sure what to say about it. It is my reality as death is everyones reality and it is unavoidable for every living thing. It serves as a reminder that we are a vapor and that even nature is waiting for Christ's return when it too will be made perfect and new. Mike had already explained to me that all dogs don't go to Heaven. But they are here and they do bring joy and I think they like the rest of creation can point to God. So maybe Copper licking my tears is really a gift from God to remind me that as alone as I feel, God still cares and is catching all my tears. Thanks for praying!

Copper update

I have an appointment with the doggie cancer doctor on Saturday. I am hoping they can answer my questions and give me a better idea of what is going to happen with Copper. The lumps on his throat have multiply, about every 2 days a new one forms, we are up to 4 tonight. I looked on the internet and in reading about treatment and time lines I will have Copper for about a month more, if that. Which breaks my heart. We got Copper exactly 5 years ago in October. He was so small he fit in my one hand and forearm (if you can imagine). I can remember driving him home hoping I had picked the right puppy for Mike. He was so shy and scared. He would follow Sampson around everywhere, but would always hide under things (chairs, beds, tables, the couch) anywhere he fit, which was almost anywhere. As he grew he still would try to put as much of himself under an object as possible, even as I type he is under the table. Copper is my guard dog. He lets me know when there is real danger (unlike Sam who barks at anything/everything) he is my pest control, but he is also my cuddle friend. He loves to give kisses and lay in my lap, most of all he more than Sam knows when I am sad and will just lay next to me and lick my tears. I am having such a hard time thinking about what it is going to be like without him. He was Mike's fave, I have so many pictures with him sleeping with Copper, Copper is a much better cuddler than I ever was! Mainly I feel like I am going backwards in grief, which is really the last place I want to go, but I don't know how to stop that. I am loosing my kid. So please pray I don't loose my mind over this and that my emotions don't get out of control. I will keep you posted.