decision making is not my forte

In an effort to stop Sampson from crying/howling/just being sad I adopted two puppies from the animal shelter, thinking that if he had friends he would stop. However my logic was not correct. I got the dogs on Thursday, it is now Sunday and Sam just barks at them. He seems fine with them he just doesn't seem to interact with them. Which is not what I expected. They however are puppies and are into everything which I guess I didn't really think about until I was trying to do homework this weekend and the fact that Sam is barking all day drove me nuts, but I couldn't keep them in the house b/c I can't watch them (they chewed my computer battery charger wire this morning while I was typing grrrrrr!) So I need prayer. One that the dogs will get along and Sam will get used to them and like them. and 2 that I don't loose my mind trying to train them! Oh and I'm so scared of making another wrong decision that I can't pick names! I miss Mike-he was so much better at all this stuff or at least I could ask him and he would veto my crazy ideas!!

small joys

Yesterday I had my 5 very cute nieces over to bake & decorate sugar cookies (well 4 baked and Lana looked on). I love to bake and I thought it might be something I could share. They seemed to have so much fun, adding ingredients and watching the mixer go around & around. Then rolling out the dough (like playdough) and cutting out various shapes...so fun. The best was when they frosted the cookies. At least 4inches thick on each small cookie topped with an entire bottle of sprinkles! my dogs are loving picking up the left overs!! It was a joyful thing. They have no fear, no sadness, they are just happy with life. It was contageous!



Meghan asked me an interesting question "does uncle Mike know God?" "Yes" I said, "He knows God and because He loved Jesus He is living with God right now. Isn't he lucky!" She smiled and went back to watching the Little Mermaid.



It made me so grateful. Mike prayed for these girls since before they were born. Praying that one day God would draw them unto Himself, I am so glad that at such a young age they are asking such questions.



It made me smile! I can't ask for much more! Mike loved them so much and would be so proud of the way they are growing up! Im glad they still remember him.

will the grief ever end???

today was a hard day. well this whole weekend was hard. well if I am really honest I hate the holidays starting with thanksgiving. You are supposed to be happy and have great plans to spend with family, and I want nothing more than to disapear. The tears have been working overtime and I don't know how to make them stop. I want january to be here already. not that it helps because it would appear that every month minus september, october, & march, have some significant day in them. I want to be in Heaven or at least in a place where I don't hurt anymore. I know God did not promise us an easy life or a comfortable life and so I should just be grateful and stop complaining b/c far more people have to deal with significantly worse things than a broken heart and a confused mind.

This song just popped into my mind:

I cry out for hand of mercy to heal me
I am weak and I need your love to free me
oh Lord your my rock my strength in weakness come rescue me oh Lord

I want to run. but then agian I don't. I want to be able to be in a room with happy people and be happy. not just for looks but honestly be happy and not have a knot in my stomach wondering how much longer I have to keep it together b/c I don't want to wreck it for everyone else. I don't want to be the black whole sucking the joy out of the room. and I don't know how to do that.

Right now I want to delete all that I have written, but I started this blog to allow you to see what really goes on in my mind, scary thought.. but I am hurting tonight and Im not sure how to fix it. I thought I was doing better. So sorry for the relapse of emotion. I just really miss mike and today I really miss grandpa too. They were my two biggest fans who gave really great hugs when I needed them. and tonight they aren't here and I really want a hug. It just me in a really quiet house and the dogs are scared b/c Im crying a lot so they won't even cuddle.

I know that things will be alright, they always are, I just hate not being in control of my emotions and today they got the best of me. Tomorow is another day with mercies new in the morning. I hope it is a better morning one with less mourning!

a finished house

It has been my goal since December 23, 2006 to finish this house. And wow the progress that we made. Now there are a few things left and as excited as I am to finish it, it has been really hard preparing for Saturday. Not just the physical part of it, but mentally. It has reminded me so much of what my life was like before that stupid trip away. We would get up go to work, get home change into the smelly work clothes and work until bed. It was tiring yet fun and we were doing it together. The last project we worked on was the roof. I was so proud of Mike b/c he got up there with me (which day 1 he didn't he simply cheered me on telling me how proud he was that he had a woman who would do what I was doing) but by day 2 he was up there (he wouldn't go up and down, but that was good excersize for me) We had fun and we finished it. The first day I came back home I went in the back yard, b/c I didn't think I could handle the inside, but when I looked up there was the roof and I lost it. I am so scared that that is going to happen agian. As I continue to sort through his stuff, and boxes we hadn't unpacked there are just so many memories. Sometimes they make me smile, others cry, and others simply ask why aren't you here. I keep wanting to miss him less and I guess the fact that I don't cry every single night anymore means that I do miss him less, yet I still have this huge part of me missing it seems. I don't think it is ever going to go away. Tonight I was at a fund raiser to help my sister, they were auctioning off single men and women. It was so hard to be in bar having random guys come talk to me so I would know them better in hopes that I would bid on them. Some were really nice and great looking, but I always thought of Mike and what he would say about them with his random comments and sense of humor that made an uncomfortable situation funny. I wish I had that tallent. I just wonder what God is planning and I now that that is not for me to know, only to trust and endure as Job did, but it is hard. I want to be excited about finishing the house not worried and feeling like Im loosing part of Mike b/c he' s not here to finish it with me. and maybe that is the hardest part of this. To see my life continue with new memories and different hobbies (all to fill the void and keep busy I think) is really hard, especially when I see the old and we are always together. As much as I want/need to move on it is hard b/c the past is so clear and I don't want to let all of it go. but I try to stop the tears and re-focus. It will be ok, it always is heaven is coming and there I will be complete forever with true joy and no more tears. So bring on the paint and lets finish the house even though it is hard it is a step forward. maybe.

back to reality

Today was the first day back at work and the first day back at school(yet agian). Both were hard. I keep thinking that perhaps I am doing better with things, in fact I took a quiz in this grief book I just finished (thats right I finished yet another book!!!) and I thought I scored pretty well. However seeing coworkers faces and answering their questions today of "how are you" with my "alright how about you?" answer knowing they want to know more, but I am too stubborn to break down and be truthful, many of them Mike's closest teachers and I would love more than anything to be able to talk to them honestly like he used to. To just put Christ in the conversation, but I will have to work on that some more. The second half of my extremely long day was far more difficult than I ever would have imagined, in fact it never occured to me that I would have a hard time going to a place called "The Beach", but it was. Everyone else seemed so into the discussion and all I wanted to do was go home and if I had not said a word I would have been happy, even though the prof says our participation is important. We'll see how this goes. But what shocked me was as I wandered through the campus (the large campus) to find my car I walked past the PE area and started crying. Why? not sure except that I really wanted to call Mike and tell him how I got lost, how I wanted him to tell me where to park, tell me where the room was, I just imagined that if he were here all the things he would have told me today. I know that I need that I need to stop thinking in these terms and I have tried, but as I walked passed the courts I could see Mike in his classes playing, doing his internship stuff with kids, I wondered what it would have been like to go to the beach with him as he wanted, knowing nothing good would have come from that. But anyways the tears fell and well perhaps they will continue but God is still God and although I screamed at him in the car, I know that somehow this will all turn out for His glory and my good. not sure how but am trusting as hard is that is. So I will start my homework tomorrow and hope that eventually I will feel comfortable in my own skin agian.