April 6, 2007 vs April 6, 2009

April 6, 2007- after going to my room and getting some much needed pain relief I remember very little. I remember waking up and taking out my contacts that I had worn since Wed but I failed to think that decision all the way through. I had no glasses to put on which meant that all these people who came that morning, well I had no clue who many of them were. Which makes me laugh now. The flood of visitors was open and I have no idea how all of them knew, but they all came from churches all around the south bay and further out. It was overwhelming. I appreciated all the prayers and well wishes, but am sorry that frankly I don't remember most of who was there. That was Friday.

April 6, 2009- today is a completely different day. I got up put on some sunscreen (oil of olay-don't buy it it doesn't work) and went to have breakfast with Whit, and Ed and family. Uncle Bills is always good. I was going to leave to spend time alone but decided spending time with family should be a priority. I am glad I did. Those kids make me smile. I still had my alone time and again God provided a great day with warm sun and sand. I was able to read a book about trusting God. God is not only the creator but He sustains it as well. He is in total control of every detail in our lives. And while these statements are not new to most of you reading this, in the midst of grief they are not too clear. God has a plan and no one can thwart it, not even a car accident. He has a plan and the "big" and the "tiny" events all fit in it. God cares so much about me that He sent His son to die and take all the wrath that I deserve upon him so that I would have eternal life. How can I complain or question His plan when it doesn't fit into my ideal. What He has is so much better and the best part is although I don't know the plan, I do know how it ends, I get to see Him in glory and praise Him for all eternity. So the path to the end maybe full of unknowns and valleys and even some great mountain peaks, but along the way I need to remember that God is to be praised in it all and that everything is under His control and it will work out for my good, I just need to trust.

Tonight just as two years ago I was surrounded by friends and family. Only this time I remember all of them. They are the people who have been the most encouraging and loving to me. They are always there when I need someone to talk to, always there to speak truth into me, and to love me. I am so grateful for them, I'm glad they are a part of God's plan in my life. And although there is still sadness there is also joy. Mike is in Heaven and some day we will get to sing with him again.

So tonight I am celebrating life. The fact that God blessed me with a man who lived life to glorify God and shared that Passion with everyone, and now I have a 2nd chance to live like he did and live to glorify God until He takes me home. Oh what a day that will be, when we've arrived. I can't wait, but I know that while I'm still here I have a job to do and to do it to the glory of God so that men might see the Father through me. I pray that I step out and do this and do it with JOY! for in Christ there is so much JOY even in grief!

thank you Baldwins

A great friend gave me this cd about a year ago I guess, I listened to it continuously for about a month, and just this week put it in agian. I have been in a wierd fog lately stressed out with work and life in general and torn between feeling relieved the day is over and I am one day closer to spring break, a break from the kids, and dreading that I am one day closer to spring break b/c it will be 2 years and my heart knows it without a calender. But there is this song that captured my prayer this morning.

When darkness falls
Temptations call
And all around me seems undone
You hear my pleas
Supply my needs
And tell me of Your wondrous love

You are the joy in my morning
You’re my song of praise
Just like the new day dawning
Flooding my world with grace

Though trials come
And every one
Can take me further from Your truth
You calm my fears
Dry all my tears
And draw me closer, Lord, to You

In You there’s no shadow of turning
Constant in all Your ways
You’re growing my faith and I’m learning to lean
On You all of my days
© 2008 Sovereign Grace Worship (ASCAP)

I just pray that I live this way. That He is my JOY in mourning, there can be joy in spite of the mourning. that I trust Him to calm my fears and know that he is holding all my tears (He has big hands!) but that He is drawing me unto Himself and growing my faith, which at times is smaller than that famous mustard seed. I pray that I would lean on Him more and not try to do everything on my own, but that is an area we are working on.... alot. His grace continues to flow to me in abundance (another great song on the cd talks about that perhaps tomorow I'll post that one) and I know that one day this will all be for my good in His plan.

my crazy life

I have not posted anything in awhile due to the crazyness of my life. So I will go back a couple weekends. My sister texted me Tuesday Jan. 13 asking if I would go skiing with them on thurs the 15th, with wedding details to help with for a fabulous wedding on the 24th i said no at first but was later persuaded to go. So I spent Wed the 14 running around trying to get all the supplies for the wedding projects. I spent a fair amount of time sitting on the floor of Joanne's craft store counting paper and trying to figure last creative ways to pull off Leilanis ideas and make them a reality. So droping the supplies for her programs off I got home around 11 and packed. worked thursday then drove up to mammoth with a 3 month old, a 3year old, my sister and her husband. I give parents credit. making bottles in a moving car and changing diapers and keeping a 3 yr old entertained is a task. I had so much fun. I took a ski lesson on Fri. I didn't fall once and thought I was doing pretty darn good and perhaps you would see me in the next winter olympics in the downhill, however Saturday I went with Shelly and his brother and fam to a much different hill. the first run I was flying so I made myself fall, Shelly gave me some great advice and the next few runs were great. Then the final run, I managed to get a concusion and whiplash but looked Hollywood worthy in my graceless fall down the mountian. But I would do it agian in a heart beat!!Sunday I felt horrible so I was not going to ski, and spent time building snowmen, snowpigs, and other wildlife withAVA so much fun... but my brother convinced me to face the mountian agian so I did for the last hour of the day and didn't hurt myself thankfully. I watched Ava in her ski school on Monday morning the cutest thing then we slowly left the mountian when I post pictures I give more detail as to the fun of traveling with small kids!! so I got home late Monday the 19 with all the wedding projects left to do. Tues. I bought the wood for the frames and had help cutting them from an pretty tallented brother in law after ballet practice. Thankyou Ed. I got home and stained all the frames and began the process of covering the foam and figuring out how I was going to put it all together. In a panic on Wed. I called in emergency backup...Ms Baldwin and later Mr. Gardiner b/c I don't have a nail gun. But all the projects came together wonderfully and we drove to Santa Maria on Thurs. night. The wedding weekend was fun and full of laughter and I was so glad that I had the chance to meet some of Leilani's family and Chris' too. They all are great people. The big day was beautiful and for the most part was free of any major disaters. and most importantly Mike's best friend and the laughing lady who saved me the first summer after the accident are married! I was then blessed to spend what could of been a very lonely night with the Baldwins at the movies. What a sight. Elisabeth and I still had wedding hair and what was left of our makeup on wearing jeans sitting in the crowd of what seemed like pretty normal people. I could not help in my sleep deprived state to crack up! You had to be there. Sunday I got up loaded the gifts, found the cake and began my long drive back to my empty house. I stopped at Chris' parents house for a quick visit and a yummy bowl of coco krispies!!! and then into ventura I went. I was n't going to stop but decided that the day would be far to long to spend by myself so I met my brother and hung out with his family. I finally after a detor in ventura made it home around 8 unloaded the gifts at Ruthies and finally made into my house around 9. totally exhausted and emotionally drained I cried for a good long while and with the help of Astrid's prayers fell asleep around midnight.

The last two weekends have been full of emotion and little sleep and therefor I tend to be on the teary side. I struggle to be content in the role of aunt and not mother of my own, the role of the single friend with only vivid memories of how great marriage is but the reality that it is not forever promised to us. But with all my mixed emotions of gladly serving in both roles God shows His grace. I was never so close to Joy as after the accident, and never so close to Chris or Leilani until that summer. God brings blessings out of the darkness- I love that Shelly considers me part of his family, and I am so blessed to have amazing friends like the O'Roarks! God is faithful and He will provide for me and comfort me and He will heal me eventually. Thanks for all of your prayers over the last couple of weeks, they have been challenging, but I am continuing to be stretched and hopefully I am growing to be more like Christ.

Happy New Year!

Well another year is complete like it or not. But this morning I woke up and was alright. Last night I pick a group up from a drama filled party to drop them safely home and the one guy thanked me and said "you're a saint". This morning I said to myself I really am a saint! God choose me and so I am b/c of Him and not because of any thing I do. What an amazing thought to start the new year. I read the last of Philippians 4 and it is so applicaple. I know everyone who knows me has read this but it is how Paul learned to be content. This is my new years resolution. To be content. also he thanks his supporters for them sharing in his time of need and I would like to do that too. Thank you to all of you who pray for me and call me/text/email and encourage me in so many ways it means so much! There also is a reminder that God will supply all our needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus-so regardless of the economic times God will supply from His riches which is awesome. So Happy New Year! I am excited to see how God blesses and grows each one of you & me this year-let me know! I know the year will be filled with trials and blessings but we can LEARN to be CONTENT in every situation b/c we have Christ. May that encourage you and me!!

new view

Ok, so I appologize for the last entry, but I am going to leave it so that this one will make sense. I put in a CD that the Baldwins gave me.(love you guys) by the Getty family. I don't know the names of songs but here are the lyrics (there may be some errors)

When trials come no longer fear, for in the pain Our God draws near to find a faith worth more than gold and there His faithfulness is told

Within the night I know your peace, the breath of God brings strength to me and new each morning mercy flows as treasures of the darkness grow.

I turn to wisdom not my own, for every battle you have known, my confidence with rest in you, your love endures your ways are good.

When I am weary with the cost I see the triumph of the cross so in its shadow I shall run till He completes the work begun.

One day all things will be made knew, I’ll see the hope you’ve called me to, and in your kingdom paved with gold, I’ll praise your faithfulness of old.

I felt so convicted. In my pain God draws near (see verse one) and it is to refine me to make me better it just doesn't feel good. But I need to realize verse two-that he give peace and treasure will grow some already have from this darkness. How do I do this, verse 3 I turn to wisdom not my own-open your bible amy - his word is still true even when I can't see how it is in this situation he has a plan and his ways are good. so verse 4-Im tired I need to look to the cross and run there, not away from emotions or events but to the cross and all that was accomplished there for me and it is not up to me when this refining will be over he will complete what he has started in me I just don't exactly know what that is right now. But I can be happy b/c last verse-one day all things will be made knew and I will see the HOPE He called me to and then I will sing of His faithfulness- how great is our God that He is loving, faithful, and has a plan and doesn't change it based on me and my emotional status. Yes this hurts but there will be good even if I don't see it until I walk on the streets of gold. May I remain faithful and focused on the cross and not on me.

The next song is In Christ Alone. I wont write the lyrics but you should sing it. It should be a Christmas song (verse 2) That is why we have Christmas. May my hope be found only in Christ. I have hope!!! it just hurts at the moment.