April 7, 2007

Saturday I woke up abruptly at 4am. I couldn't go back to sleep. I told my brother when he came in because it felt so strange. He said really 4am with an odd questioning voice I said yea why? That is when Mikes surgery ended. Because I wanted to donate Mikes organs they kept him on life support until they performed the surgery I had assumed that as soon as you said don't resuscitate that is the end the plug is pulled and well the end. But I guess not so although I always thought absent from the body present with the Lord is true, I totally think that on the way Mike stoped and said goodbye. It sounds weird and I didn't even believe my own thoughts for a long time, but the timing and the feeling are too crazy. Anyways I wanted to let you know that because of that surgery a man in Kentucky has his left kidney and no longer needs dialysis. God uses us to bless people even after we are gone. amazing. I'm grateful that some good came out of it.

April 5, 2007

April 5th there was no separation between Wed and Thursday. I was sent to have x-rays at 3am. I was flown to USC hospital and on the 3rd floor is the county jail ward along with the x-ray room. I was left in a hallway a chart on my chest laying there with other gernies some who had handcuffs attaching them. I thought no one even knows I'm here this is horrible I couldn't move and time moved so slow. When i finally was wheeled into xray it was the most painful thing I have ever felt. Trying to move my body into a position so they would have the right angle and hold it. I went back down stairs and don't really remember anything until about 2-3pm. Then my mom and the doctor came in together. This never happened so I asked what was wrong. They told me Mike had been hurt really bad and needed surgery and they wanted to know if I would ok that and then Ok his brother to make the decisions on my behalf since he was at the hospital. I talked to the social worker and then I laid there. I don't remember feeling anything. They came and moved me to a room which I thought would be by myself nope a room with about 10 of us all in a circle you can see everything. I watched with my mom and brother and saw mistakes being made. USC is a teaching hospital so the Dr would come in to see someone and a group of 6 or more would follow. There was a guy on a respirator and the lady went from him to the next bed without washing her hands, so Micah promptly made me little post it notes with kind reminders to wash hands, all my allergies, so there would be no questions if i fell asleep. So there I lay covered in post it notes waiting. Then Micah came in and looked terrible he just said Mike had a stroke during the surgery and it didn't look good. Tears flowed down my face. Micah left to do something and when one of the nurses saw me she asked what was wrong I told her My husband is dying and they won't let me go. She then started working with Micah to get me out of there. The charge nurse refused to let me go stating that every doctor I had seen since my arrival would have to approve the leave I had seen like 6 different ones. I just cried. She came in at 8 to give me pain meds and I refused them, I said if I take them I will fall asleep and wont be able to see him, she wasn't happy but didn't force them. then the doctor came in around 9:30 pm and told me he would release me to go for a walk. He provided a wheelchair-it looked like it was from the early 20s high back wood thing, but he said they had to hold my bed for 2 hours. Micah somehow lifted me into that thing again the pain was unbearable. every bump and crack I felt I got into the car and we drove slowly to Hunington Memorial. There a nurse with a gernie was waiting for me lifted me out of the car and wheeled me in to see Mike. He looked normal. He had a cut on his shoulder and yes his legs were wrapped, but his face was not damaged. His wrist was wrapped becuase he had broken it in mexico the summer prior and never had it fixed, then rebroke it the week before when he fell skateboarding to work. His hand had cuts on them, but I held on the best I could laying off the side of the bed next to his. He had a ton of tubes hooked up, but looked at peace. I talked to him for a while until the machine freaked me out with a loud ringing. I told Mike before I left that he needed to fight to stay here, but if God was calling him then he needed to listen and go. The doctor came in and wanted to take him to run more tests but while he went for the tests he had all the family gather in an empty room at the end of the hall. He then gave the grim reality of Mikes test results that there was no brain activity and I needed to decide what I wanted to do if he went into cardiac arrest which would happen. Should they revive him or not and did I want the life support to continue. After short conversation and a loud cry- the decision was made. It was 12:06 on APril 6th when I told the doctor to let mike go. I went into see him again I don't remember saying anything except goodbye and that I loved him over and over. I was so worried about getting back to the other hospital I was in so much pain. The doctor assured me that it was alright i was not thinking too clearly and remember laying in the hallway outside his door watching his family say goodbye. It was like a movie. They then took me upstairs to a room where I would spend the next week. gave me meds and well I continue tomorrow.

April 4th, 2007

April 4, 2007 It was Wed morning I woke up early-as usual- and cleaned up the room and packed all our stuff up. Mike got up a little later but we were ready to go between 8 and 9, we checked out and headed for the state line. On the way I made calls to the city inspector to have our roof checked out as we had finished that just before we left and they needed to inspect it so I set that up for the following week. We talked to his dad who was headed out for a camping excursion, then I pointed out some great skydivers that were falling from the sky. Mike, Joel, and myself were going to go skydiving for our 30th birthdays, mike scared of hieghts was not thrilled but wouldn't let ego be hurt so agreed to go. He promptly changed the subject. We stopped at the McDonalds at the old casinos near state line, had a quick bite and then got back on the road. I figured I would drive because we usually would trade off and I would drive the longer portion as I didn't get as tired or board as Mike did. He insisted on driving. We had neglected to buy water so we had pepsi and we drank those as we drove. Around 12 or so We debated about stopping for lunch but couldn't decide where and said if we saw something we would stop. We came to the part of the freeway where you have to choose to stay on the 10 or go on the 210. Although the 210 didn't look right to me, Mike had printed directions off of some website, and since I hadn't been to Vegas in awhile we figured we would just follow them. It seemed like the next freeway was just a short while down the road so I was reading the directions and looking for the sign then a white car changed lanes into our lane and all I remember was the feeling of spining. I woke up looking at the inside of the ambulance. It is all silver. I know they were talking to me but the only thing I remember them saying was that I was going to go for a ride in a helocopter. Then everytime I opened my eyes there was this man with a red helmet on looking at me. I would go out open my eyes and see him agian and agian. Then I heard them asking for my rings could they take them, and they were going to take my bellybutton ring out (yes I had one...that is a different story) I guess I kept trying to sit up because they kept telling me to relax and lay back. I could move if I wanted to. The next thing I remember was seeing a clock across the room it was 3:00 a nurse came over and said that I was in an accident was there a number to call someone to let them know. I gave them my parents number. Then I was out again. when i woke up again my mom was there and I will save the details but I was allergic to the meds, got sick but was still strapped to the spinal board with a c-collar firmly in place, not a good thing. Different doctors came and said that I broke my pelvis or hip and might have to go for surgery. I kept asking for water and they wouldn't give it to me. I was so dehydrated from the Pepsi and no water earlier. Anyways late that night my brother in law was there and had what looked like tears in his eyes I had never seen him look so concerned. Connie came in and told me Ed and Kendon were on their way and I asked why. She said they just wanted to be there. I asked her about Mike and she said he had broken legs. I figured he was fine I was the one who was airlifted. A few others I think came by the hospital but you could only have one visitor every hour and I was not all there to say the least. This was a very long day that would only get longer.

April 3, 2007

April 3 2007 was a Tuesday- we had to get up to go listen to a presentation on Hilton Vacation ownership. Mike cracked me up the entire time. He would talk to these guys and ask them weird questions. You have to go through a few rounds of people saying no until a supervisor comes and offers you the world with the offer and Mike calmly repeated his No speech to them. It was a great sounding deal for later in life when our finances might have been better, so he took the ladies card. We left there and headed off the strip to have lunch at BJs. We didn't venture out of our comfort zone we ate at the same restaurants there as we would eat at home. Anyways this is about and hour away so we had time to talk, (and Mike took a few random pictures for Chris on his phone one of the price of the corn gasoline, and the huge guitar at hard rock)(mike had promised Chris that he wouldn't talk about the gap and just enjoy the vacation, oops). The topic, is what we were doing at Carson Bible worth it. Yes! we talked about each member of GAP (the college ministry) about their growth and what we needed to change and focus on. We looked at conversations we had had with other members of the church and were encouraged by the changes that we were seeing, some small others large. We talked about some goals and directions we were wanted to see happen. We talked through lunch and then had a few more hours of Mike napping Amy walking to relax. Then we decided to cash in our voucher from the morning and had to travel to the Hilton casino while there Mike got a call about a big missionary issue we were dealing with, so he talked and I waited. Ministry doesn't go on vacation as much as you may want to. He apologized which I wasn't mad, but he had made such a big deal the day before about it being our time together and not giving that time to others he felt bad. Things happen! Anyways, we went to dinner at Outback. Now everyone who knows me knows I am not the biggest fan of the place, but we had gone to Vegas 2years or so prior for his cousins wedding and I had impressed the waitress that day with just how much I could eat, so Mike wanted to repeat that grand occasion. We ate then went back to relax. It was a great day full of conversation and laughter and lounging -that's all we did all day. It was great.

April 2, 2007

Grief is an odd thing. It causes your body to be aware of things you never were and be totally oblivious to things that you at one point were so keenly aware of. Last night I couldn't sleep, literally up most of the night yet at 5:15am was wide awake. I thought about it today what in the world was keeping me up, my illness, my thoughts, stress, but I ruled out all of these b/c I had no worse conditions than the night before when I slept, for me, pretty well. Tonight I figured it out. It is April 2nd. I don't need a calendar to be able to tell you that. My heart just knows.

Some who read this blog have never heard the full story of what happened two years ago, I was told by some that telling the story is good and writing it down is good as well. Up until now I never wanted to write everything down but I am at a point where it is still like it was yesterday in my mind but I know it will fade. So here are my memories of that day.

4/2/07 This was the day Mike and I woke up at 4:30am to leave by 5am to beat traffic to Vegas. It was a trip that was planned from the October prior based on a random phone call that offered a deal too good to pass up. My spring break was the only time Mike and I could both go away and not miss work(we'd leave on mon. return on wed Mike would preach Thurs. and Friday for two new Holy week services a great plan in our eyes). It was a Monday morning and we had had a late night with the Gap kids the night before at IN and OUT. Mike had eaten some peppers due to some crazy kids always daring him to do things and so was not feeling very well, so drove. We tiredly packed the car, I was searching for my camera couldn't find it Mike wanted to go b/c we had to stop at the church to get some books and he couldn't find his sunglasses so he thought he left them there, he did but didn't find them that morning. We drove to about the half way mark and grabbed a quick bite traded positions in the car and then arrived in Vegas around 10ish. My friend Dawn was also on spring break but was headed to LA so I called her and she wanted to meet up and show me her house. First Mike wanted to go to the room and settle in, I wanted just to drive to see Dawn knowing that once Mike was in the room he wouldn't want to go. But we checked in and he didn't want to go. It was the Cubs home opener and well we all know what a fan Mike was. So I went solo to see Dawn. A pretty short visit around 2 hours, but I returned to an unhappy Mike. He wanted to watch the game with me and didn't understand why I wanted to see Dawn more than spend time with him, which wasn't the case but I won't go there now. SO we, well I spent the day appologizing for not realizing how much he wanted me to watch that game so I took him to all the places on the strip I thought he would like, ESPN zone, hard rock, m&m store (ok that was for me to find stuff for Dawn's wedding shower) and well we ended up at WIENERSNITZLE or however you spell that hot dog place had lunch and an odd conversation. He wanted to know what Dawn and I had talked about which was her house primarily, but I said she had made an odd statement that she didn't know what the mortgage payment was that Matt handled it, and I thought that was so strange, b/c I wanted to know everything about our mortgage that we had just taken on. This led to talking about pastor Gablers wife who after he died Mike had to help her with her bills and writing checks. He then went into great detail asking me did I know the password to the online banking and explaining that everything was set up there so if anything happened I would not be in the same state. (pertinate conversation looking back) Anyways we spent the rest of the day relaxing and napping, well he napped I walked around. That night was the NCAA Final Four final game so I thought he would want to go out, but we decided that it would be to crazy for us so we bought pepsi and a frozen pizza cooked it in our amazing room (the nicest room I have ever stayed in) and watched the game there. It ended being a really great night just hanging out watching the game and of course all the ESPN highlights and commentary after. But a good day with a rough start.

visit to the past

Last night I flew over the Las Vegas strip. It brings up many memories for me both good and sad. I first smiled as I flew past the hotel that Mike & I stayed at last. It was the nicest places we had ever stayed at. It was such a amazing couple of days with him, we talked most of the trip about our ministry at the church, the growth we were seeing in each of the GAP members lives, and talked through how we wanted to improve and invest more ourselves in them, because that is what is important. However the trip was not free of argument, when we first arrived I wanted to visit my friend Dawn & see her new house, Mike wanted me to watch the Cubs home opener, but I went to visit Dawn leaving him at the hotel by himself. He said that was fine, but I knew he wasn't happy and when I returned he showed it. I spent the afternoon trying to make it up to him going to places I thought he would like- ESPN Zone, wienersnitzle, and then after all these failed attempts just simply said I was wrong- a hard thing for me to do. We then had a great time making a frozen pizza in the hotel room and watching the final college basketball game(end of march madness). I loved watching sports with Mike. He got so into it, it made you want to be excited and he knew random facts which I love. I also just loved the way he would hold me and joke with me about how little I knew but always pretended to know more than I really did. I once shocked him at the house in Lomita, I got up early on Sunday and was ironing his shirt watching ESPN. As everyone knows they replay the same info. over and over, so by the time Mike came to the back room I had it memorized. He asked a question about some player and I rattled off some amazing statistic and was like wow how did you know that, about 10 minutes later he heard the same line on the TV. For a moment I was sport smart! Anyways back to vegas memories. The next day we hung out at the hotel and then went to BJs for lunch. I only knew where this was b/c there is an awesome resurant row by Dawn's house with several of our favorates (BJs, Olive Garden, ISlands, Costco, ect...) so we sat down and decided to try some new items not pizza, Mike had a meatball sandwhich, I had "chick food" salad. It was nice. We then hung out agian at the hotel, Mike took a nap, I got board and went for a walk around the hotel and priced massages, Mike said I should get one, but I thought it best to save money b/c we couldn't both get one and after one mistake of doing my visit to Dawn's solo I wasn't going to do anything without him on this trip. We then went to get our free voucher that came with the hotel while we were headed to the hilton cassino he got a call which was work related and he handled that while I got our money. I was amazed at how appologetic he was about that phone call, I didn't care, but he wanted those couple of days to be about us. We then went to his fave place for dinner, Outback- he had his usuall steak, mashed potatoes, baked potatoe meal (although he actually really liked the salad he couldn't decide between the two potatoes so I told him to get both) I had the ribs! I amazed him with my ability to eat the entire rack the first time we were in vegas for his cousins wedding. anyways we went back to the hotel and had a restful night. He slept in the next morning while I cleaned everything up and packed, we got on the road about 8 and after a quick stop at the McDonalds at the very edge of Vegas we were on our way back to reality. Our realities are very different now, he is expiernceing something that I try to imagine but can't really God's presence, and although I am too expeirencing His prescence it is on a very different level. I have learned so much during the last year. Ive read books Mike wanted me to read, I just am a very different person. Parts of me are so much better and he would be proud, other parts Im still working on and it will take time and patience. I have learned not to take things for granted and not to worry so much about little things for they won't matter in eternity. I miss mike more than words can describe that it physically hurts to think about him, but not as much as a year ago, so I think in time that will fade although not completely and that is alright. I am so blessed to have had Mike in my life, the good parts of him, and the not so good parts for that is what made him him. I can only hope that I find the passion that he had towards God's word, and the compasion and the desire to see people's lives changed by God. Mike was a great mentor to me and i miss his wisdom alot, I also miss his bear hugs, back slaps, smiles, and jokes. "Enjoy life Amy" I hear him in my head alot, and I am trying. One of the greatest priveleges in knowing mike was hearing him preach through ecclesiates and Habbackuk. when everything goes away what will you have? it is a question he had written in his sermon notes. something to think about. After a year of having my world taken away I know what I have... God's love, His peace, His patience, His kindness, His goodness, His word and although I still struggle I know that God is with me and that for whatever reason he isn't finished with me. I pray that as He works on me I would be teachable and responsive with a soft heart. I don't understand his plan, but I am trying to trust him and his timing. It hurts, but I know that eternity with him is a lot longer than my vapor of a life here. So enjoy life for it is a gift from God!