God's blessings

God is so amazing. Yesterday would have been my 6th wedding anniversary, and I didn't even remember that until Thursday (progress!!!!) it just shows me how much healing God has done in my heart. God has blessed me with so many amazing people and I am so grateful for each one of them. Some have been in my life for a really long time, some just a few months but all of them were placed there by God for a specific purpose. I am still so unsure of what God is doing in my life but I am completely sure that He knows far better what is best for me. He has blessed me far more than I ever deserve. I am grateful for each day (hard or not). He is my joy! and I am joyful!!! Enjoy today, enjoy life, it is a gift from HIM!!!!

Anyone want to run?

Today I finished my first marathon. and had I trained would not be that impressive, but I am so impressed with the way God made the human body to be able to move in such amazing way for an extended amount of time. So not training I went into it with the idea that I would just run/walk it and finish regardless of the time. But then I ran the first 10 miles at 10 minute pace so I got to thinking well I think I should aim for under 5 hours. I ended up finishing at 5 hours 10 minutes (avg 11 min miles) but Im happy with that and next time I will train and be faster-God willing. It was a ton of fun. While I was running I had great stories I was going to post but tired now I will just say I finished and I am totally going to run another one, anyone want to join me? next year its on June 6th.

Bearing one another's burdens

Saturday mornings I go to Grief Share, which is a grief group. I'm never too excited to go, because it makes you face your grief. You have to share(which I don't like doing) and you have to listen to others (which I do like doing, most of the time). Anyways each week the topic changes and you discuss something different. Today was about the uniqueness of grief. how everyone's grief is different based on who you lost and how you lost them. They have good insights. Today however my encouragement came from the fellowship after the meeting. In talking with them the leader said that he and his wife can see a change in me. I asked what that was b/c I don't feel like I am any further along than before. But he said I look happy and I don't cry everytime I try to speak, and i share more. I am now struggling with different things. The secondary losses and not the shock of grief but now the lonliness of grief. You wouldn't think that meeting with a bunch of people who are all depressed would make you smile, but i leave there each week with a smile even though that is sometimes accompanied with tears. I think this is why we are to bear each others burdens. I know that I am not the only one who is going to an emtpy house after the meeting, I am not the only one who cries at night, I am not the only one who is an emotional rollercoaster much of the time, I am not the only one who can t make decisions, has regrets, has anxiety, has questions, but I am also not the only one who thinks God understands, gives grace, comfort, healing, and that this was part of a plan. I am the youngest person there by a good 20 years, yet God is using me to help them, and using them to help me. The losses are different, but God is the same, and He knows the plan He knew the number of days of every life taken, and of those still here. He has a plan and while I try to figure that out and work through my grief issues and my sin, He is still working in me, why I don't know, but He is and He is in all of their lives too. So long story to get to my point, God puts people in our lives for minutes, days, or years for a reason, perhaps to encourage or teach or to help bear their burdens. Today was just a reminder how doing that helps not only the person you are helping but you as well. This is not a pretty job and tears will be shed, but it is part of why we are here and it is a way to share God's grace to those around us.

perhaps there is a purpose.

Last week a teacher I mentor lost his significant other to cancer. We have had a few conversations about her and her progress or lack there of over the last 2 years. About 3 weeks ago I asked how she was and she wasn't good, he asked me to pray for her, and I agreed. When I heard she had past I wondered what am I going to say to him, nothing people say at this time helps and I sure didn't want to be the one to say something flipant and stupid just to say something. Usually I see him once a week or every couple of weeks, this week I have seen him and talked with him every day. Today we talked about Christ and spiritual warfare. Just pray that he continues to talk with me and that what I share with him brings clarity. He believes in Christ and the afterlife, just not sure in what capacity at this point. So did the accident have purpose, yes if only to relate to this person who sits in the same place I was not so long ago, tired, worried, and wondering why. Pray I would have great quiet times to share with him, for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth flows. I need to work on filling my heart with scripture so that God's word is what flows out of my mouth, then I won't have flipant stupid answers rather healing comforting words.

decision making is not my forte

In an effort to stop Sampson from crying/howling/just being sad I adopted two puppies from the animal shelter, thinking that if he had friends he would stop. However my logic was not correct. I got the dogs on Thursday, it is now Sunday and Sam just barks at them. He seems fine with them he just doesn't seem to interact with them. Which is not what I expected. They however are puppies and are into everything which I guess I didn't really think about until I was trying to do homework this weekend and the fact that Sam is barking all day drove me nuts, but I couldn't keep them in the house b/c I can't watch them (they chewed my computer battery charger wire this morning while I was typing grrrrrr!) So I need prayer. One that the dogs will get along and Sam will get used to them and like them. and 2 that I don't loose my mind trying to train them! Oh and I'm so scared of making another wrong decision that I can't pick names! I miss Mike-he was so much better at all this stuff or at least I could ask him and he would veto my crazy ideas!!

April 7, 2007

Saturday I woke up abruptly at 4am. I couldn't go back to sleep. I told my brother when he came in because it felt so strange. He said really 4am with an odd questioning voice I said yea why? That is when Mikes surgery ended. Because I wanted to donate Mikes organs they kept him on life support until they performed the surgery I had assumed that as soon as you said don't resuscitate that is the end the plug is pulled and well the end. But I guess not so although I always thought absent from the body present with the Lord is true, I totally think that on the way Mike stoped and said goodbye. It sounds weird and I didn't even believe my own thoughts for a long time, but the timing and the feeling are too crazy. Anyways I wanted to let you know that because of that surgery a man in Kentucky has his left kidney and no longer needs dialysis. God uses us to bless people even after we are gone. amazing. I'm grateful that some good came out of it.

Copper update

It was pointed out to me that in the emotional chaos that I have been I failed to post that I had to put Copper to sleep on March 24. After the weekend when he wasn't eating and getting sick, I called the vet monday morning and he said that it probably was time. Copper still wanted to walk but could hardly support his own weight. He normally would jump into the car, but I had to lift him up, which was sad b/c he always sat in front with me but couldn't because I couldn't lift him that high so he had to ride in the back. I took him for a short walk before going into the drs office. The office manager who knows me well at this point came over to say goodbye and the tears began. I will spare you the details but I was with Copper the whole process to try and keep him calm and well if I was about to die I would want someone to stay with me. So I said my good bye and left him there at the vet. Depending on your theology he is with Mike or he's now part of nature. I hope Mike was wrong in his theology and I hope Randy Alcorn is right. Because i would love to see Copper agian b/c he was such a great friend and helped me through some of my darkest days. I miss him a ton, but I think Sampson misses him more. He cries and whines a lot!! so today I started the puppy hunt. Not an easy process I almost brought home 4 dogs tonight just to save them. but didn't. I will try to keep you up dated. If anyone has any big breed puppies let me know!!