perhaps there is a purpose.

Last week a teacher I mentor lost his significant other to cancer. We have had a few conversations about her and her progress or lack there of over the last 2 years. About 3 weeks ago I asked how she was and she wasn't good, he asked me to pray for her, and I agreed. When I heard she had past I wondered what am I going to say to him, nothing people say at this time helps and I sure didn't want to be the one to say something flipant and stupid just to say something. Usually I see him once a week or every couple of weeks, this week I have seen him and talked with him every day. Today we talked about Christ and spiritual warfare. Just pray that he continues to talk with me and that what I share with him brings clarity. He believes in Christ and the afterlife, just not sure in what capacity at this point. So did the accident have purpose, yes if only to relate to this person who sits in the same place I was not so long ago, tired, worried, and wondering why. Pray I would have great quiet times to share with him, for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth flows. I need to work on filling my heart with scripture so that God's word is what flows out of my mouth, then I won't have flipant stupid answers rather healing comforting words.

decision making is not my forte

In an effort to stop Sampson from crying/howling/just being sad I adopted two puppies from the animal shelter, thinking that if he had friends he would stop. However my logic was not correct. I got the dogs on Thursday, it is now Sunday and Sam just barks at them. He seems fine with them he just doesn't seem to interact with them. Which is not what I expected. They however are puppies and are into everything which I guess I didn't really think about until I was trying to do homework this weekend and the fact that Sam is barking all day drove me nuts, but I couldn't keep them in the house b/c I can't watch them (they chewed my computer battery charger wire this morning while I was typing grrrrrr!) So I need prayer. One that the dogs will get along and Sam will get used to them and like them. and 2 that I don't loose my mind trying to train them! Oh and I'm so scared of making another wrong decision that I can't pick names! I miss Mike-he was so much better at all this stuff or at least I could ask him and he would veto my crazy ideas!!

April 7, 2007

Saturday I woke up abruptly at 4am. I couldn't go back to sleep. I told my brother when he came in because it felt so strange. He said really 4am with an odd questioning voice I said yea why? That is when Mikes surgery ended. Because I wanted to donate Mikes organs they kept him on life support until they performed the surgery I had assumed that as soon as you said don't resuscitate that is the end the plug is pulled and well the end. But I guess not so although I always thought absent from the body present with the Lord is true, I totally think that on the way Mike stoped and said goodbye. It sounds weird and I didn't even believe my own thoughts for a long time, but the timing and the feeling are too crazy. Anyways I wanted to let you know that because of that surgery a man in Kentucky has his left kidney and no longer needs dialysis. God uses us to bless people even after we are gone. amazing. I'm grateful that some good came out of it.

Copper update

It was pointed out to me that in the emotional chaos that I have been I failed to post that I had to put Copper to sleep on March 24. After the weekend when he wasn't eating and getting sick, I called the vet monday morning and he said that it probably was time. Copper still wanted to walk but could hardly support his own weight. He normally would jump into the car, but I had to lift him up, which was sad b/c he always sat in front with me but couldn't because I couldn't lift him that high so he had to ride in the back. I took him for a short walk before going into the drs office. The office manager who knows me well at this point came over to say goodbye and the tears began. I will spare you the details but I was with Copper the whole process to try and keep him calm and well if I was about to die I would want someone to stay with me. So I said my good bye and left him there at the vet. Depending on your theology he is with Mike or he's now part of nature. I hope Mike was wrong in his theology and I hope Randy Alcorn is right. Because i would love to see Copper agian b/c he was such a great friend and helped me through some of my darkest days. I miss him a ton, but I think Sampson misses him more. He cries and whines a lot!! so today I started the puppy hunt. Not an easy process I almost brought home 4 dogs tonight just to save them. but didn't. I will try to keep you up dated. If anyone has any big breed puppies let me know!!

April 6, 2007 vs April 6, 2009

April 6, 2007- after going to my room and getting some much needed pain relief I remember very little. I remember waking up and taking out my contacts that I had worn since Wed but I failed to think that decision all the way through. I had no glasses to put on which meant that all these people who came that morning, well I had no clue who many of them were. Which makes me laugh now. The flood of visitors was open and I have no idea how all of them knew, but they all came from churches all around the south bay and further out. It was overwhelming. I appreciated all the prayers and well wishes, but am sorry that frankly I don't remember most of who was there. That was Friday.

April 6, 2009- today is a completely different day. I got up put on some sunscreen (oil of olay-don't buy it it doesn't work) and went to have breakfast with Whit, and Ed and family. Uncle Bills is always good. I was going to leave to spend time alone but decided spending time with family should be a priority. I am glad I did. Those kids make me smile. I still had my alone time and again God provided a great day with warm sun and sand. I was able to read a book about trusting God. God is not only the creator but He sustains it as well. He is in total control of every detail in our lives. And while these statements are not new to most of you reading this, in the midst of grief they are not too clear. God has a plan and no one can thwart it, not even a car accident. He has a plan and the "big" and the "tiny" events all fit in it. God cares so much about me that He sent His son to die and take all the wrath that I deserve upon him so that I would have eternal life. How can I complain or question His plan when it doesn't fit into my ideal. What He has is so much better and the best part is although I don't know the plan, I do know how it ends, I get to see Him in glory and praise Him for all eternity. So the path to the end maybe full of unknowns and valleys and even some great mountain peaks, but along the way I need to remember that God is to be praised in it all and that everything is under His control and it will work out for my good, I just need to trust.

Tonight just as two years ago I was surrounded by friends and family. Only this time I remember all of them. They are the people who have been the most encouraging and loving to me. They are always there when I need someone to talk to, always there to speak truth into me, and to love me. I am so grateful for them, I'm glad they are a part of God's plan in my life. And although there is still sadness there is also joy. Mike is in Heaven and some day we will get to sing with him again.

So tonight I am celebrating life. The fact that God blessed me with a man who lived life to glorify God and shared that Passion with everyone, and now I have a 2nd chance to live like he did and live to glorify God until He takes me home. Oh what a day that will be, when we've arrived. I can't wait, but I know that while I'm still here I have a job to do and to do it to the glory of God so that men might see the Father through me. I pray that I step out and do this and do it with JOY! for in Christ there is so much JOY even in grief!

April 5, 2007

April 5th there was no separation between Wed and Thursday. I was sent to have x-rays at 3am. I was flown to USC hospital and on the 3rd floor is the county jail ward along with the x-ray room. I was left in a hallway a chart on my chest laying there with other gernies some who had handcuffs attaching them. I thought no one even knows I'm here this is horrible I couldn't move and time moved so slow. When i finally was wheeled into xray it was the most painful thing I have ever felt. Trying to move my body into a position so they would have the right angle and hold it. I went back down stairs and don't really remember anything until about 2-3pm. Then my mom and the doctor came in together. This never happened so I asked what was wrong. They told me Mike had been hurt really bad and needed surgery and they wanted to know if I would ok that and then Ok his brother to make the decisions on my behalf since he was at the hospital. I talked to the social worker and then I laid there. I don't remember feeling anything. They came and moved me to a room which I thought would be by myself nope a room with about 10 of us all in a circle you can see everything. I watched with my mom and brother and saw mistakes being made. USC is a teaching hospital so the Dr would come in to see someone and a group of 6 or more would follow. There was a guy on a respirator and the lady went from him to the next bed without washing her hands, so Micah promptly made me little post it notes with kind reminders to wash hands, all my allergies, so there would be no questions if i fell asleep. So there I lay covered in post it notes waiting. Then Micah came in and looked terrible he just said Mike had a stroke during the surgery and it didn't look good. Tears flowed down my face. Micah left to do something and when one of the nurses saw me she asked what was wrong I told her My husband is dying and they won't let me go. She then started working with Micah to get me out of there. The charge nurse refused to let me go stating that every doctor I had seen since my arrival would have to approve the leave I had seen like 6 different ones. I just cried. She came in at 8 to give me pain meds and I refused them, I said if I take them I will fall asleep and wont be able to see him, she wasn't happy but didn't force them. then the doctor came in around 9:30 pm and told me he would release me to go for a walk. He provided a wheelchair-it looked like it was from the early 20s high back wood thing, but he said they had to hold my bed for 2 hours. Micah somehow lifted me into that thing again the pain was unbearable. every bump and crack I felt I got into the car and we drove slowly to Hunington Memorial. There a nurse with a gernie was waiting for me lifted me out of the car and wheeled me in to see Mike. He looked normal. He had a cut on his shoulder and yes his legs were wrapped, but his face was not damaged. His wrist was wrapped becuase he had broken it in mexico the summer prior and never had it fixed, then rebroke it the week before when he fell skateboarding to work. His hand had cuts on them, but I held on the best I could laying off the side of the bed next to his. He had a ton of tubes hooked up, but looked at peace. I talked to him for a while until the machine freaked me out with a loud ringing. I told Mike before I left that he needed to fight to stay here, but if God was calling him then he needed to listen and go. The doctor came in and wanted to take him to run more tests but while he went for the tests he had all the family gather in an empty room at the end of the hall. He then gave the grim reality of Mikes test results that there was no brain activity and I needed to decide what I wanted to do if he went into cardiac arrest which would happen. Should they revive him or not and did I want the life support to continue. After short conversation and a loud cry- the decision was made. It was 12:06 on APril 6th when I told the doctor to let mike go. I went into see him again I don't remember saying anything except goodbye and that I loved him over and over. I was so worried about getting back to the other hospital I was in so much pain. The doctor assured me that it was alright i was not thinking too clearly and remember laying in the hallway outside his door watching his family say goodbye. It was like a movie. They then took me upstairs to a room where I would spend the next week. gave me meds and well I continue tomorrow.

April 4th, 2007

April 4, 2007 It was Wed morning I woke up early-as usual- and cleaned up the room and packed all our stuff up. Mike got up a little later but we were ready to go between 8 and 9, we checked out and headed for the state line. On the way I made calls to the city inspector to have our roof checked out as we had finished that just before we left and they needed to inspect it so I set that up for the following week. We talked to his dad who was headed out for a camping excursion, then I pointed out some great skydivers that were falling from the sky. Mike, Joel, and myself were going to go skydiving for our 30th birthdays, mike scared of hieghts was not thrilled but wouldn't let ego be hurt so agreed to go. He promptly changed the subject. We stopped at the McDonalds at the old casinos near state line, had a quick bite and then got back on the road. I figured I would drive because we usually would trade off and I would drive the longer portion as I didn't get as tired or board as Mike did. He insisted on driving. We had neglected to buy water so we had pepsi and we drank those as we drove. Around 12 or so We debated about stopping for lunch but couldn't decide where and said if we saw something we would stop. We came to the part of the freeway where you have to choose to stay on the 10 or go on the 210. Although the 210 didn't look right to me, Mike had printed directions off of some website, and since I hadn't been to Vegas in awhile we figured we would just follow them. It seemed like the next freeway was just a short while down the road so I was reading the directions and looking for the sign then a white car changed lanes into our lane and all I remember was the feeling of spining. I woke up looking at the inside of the ambulance. It is all silver. I know they were talking to me but the only thing I remember them saying was that I was going to go for a ride in a helocopter. Then everytime I opened my eyes there was this man with a red helmet on looking at me. I would go out open my eyes and see him agian and agian. Then I heard them asking for my rings could they take them, and they were going to take my bellybutton ring out (yes I had one...that is a different story) I guess I kept trying to sit up because they kept telling me to relax and lay back. I could move if I wanted to. The next thing I remember was seeing a clock across the room it was 3:00 a nurse came over and said that I was in an accident was there a number to call someone to let them know. I gave them my parents number. Then I was out again. when i woke up again my mom was there and I will save the details but I was allergic to the meds, got sick but was still strapped to the spinal board with a c-collar firmly in place, not a good thing. Different doctors came and said that I broke my pelvis or hip and might have to go for surgery. I kept asking for water and they wouldn't give it to me. I was so dehydrated from the Pepsi and no water earlier. Anyways late that night my brother in law was there and had what looked like tears in his eyes I had never seen him look so concerned. Connie came in and told me Ed and Kendon were on their way and I asked why. She said they just wanted to be there. I asked her about Mike and she said he had broken legs. I figured he was fine I was the one who was airlifted. A few others I think came by the hospital but you could only have one visitor every hour and I was not all there to say the least. This was a very long day that would only get longer.

April 3, 2007

April 3 2007 was a Tuesday- we had to get up to go listen to a presentation on Hilton Vacation ownership. Mike cracked me up the entire time. He would talk to these guys and ask them weird questions. You have to go through a few rounds of people saying no until a supervisor comes and offers you the world with the offer and Mike calmly repeated his No speech to them. It was a great sounding deal for later in life when our finances might have been better, so he took the ladies card. We left there and headed off the strip to have lunch at BJs. We didn't venture out of our comfort zone we ate at the same restaurants there as we would eat at home. Anyways this is about and hour away so we had time to talk, (and Mike took a few random pictures for Chris on his phone one of the price of the corn gasoline, and the huge guitar at hard rock)(mike had promised Chris that he wouldn't talk about the gap and just enjoy the vacation, oops). The topic, is what we were doing at Carson Bible worth it. Yes! we talked about each member of GAP (the college ministry) about their growth and what we needed to change and focus on. We looked at conversations we had had with other members of the church and were encouraged by the changes that we were seeing, some small others large. We talked about some goals and directions we were wanted to see happen. We talked through lunch and then had a few more hours of Mike napping Amy walking to relax. Then we decided to cash in our voucher from the morning and had to travel to the Hilton casino while there Mike got a call about a big missionary issue we were dealing with, so he talked and I waited. Ministry doesn't go on vacation as much as you may want to. He apologized which I wasn't mad, but he had made such a big deal the day before about it being our time together and not giving that time to others he felt bad. Things happen! Anyways, we went to dinner at Outback. Now everyone who knows me knows I am not the biggest fan of the place, but we had gone to Vegas 2years or so prior for his cousins wedding and I had impressed the waitress that day with just how much I could eat, so Mike wanted to repeat that grand occasion. We ate then went back to relax. It was a great day full of conversation and laughter and lounging -that's all we did all day. It was great.

April 2, 2007

Grief is an odd thing. It causes your body to be aware of things you never were and be totally oblivious to things that you at one point were so keenly aware of. Last night I couldn't sleep, literally up most of the night yet at 5:15am was wide awake. I thought about it today what in the world was keeping me up, my illness, my thoughts, stress, but I ruled out all of these b/c I had no worse conditions than the night before when I slept, for me, pretty well. Tonight I figured it out. It is April 2nd. I don't need a calendar to be able to tell you that. My heart just knows.

Some who read this blog have never heard the full story of what happened two years ago, I was told by some that telling the story is good and writing it down is good as well. Up until now I never wanted to write everything down but I am at a point where it is still like it was yesterday in my mind but I know it will fade. So here are my memories of that day.

4/2/07 This was the day Mike and I woke up at 4:30am to leave by 5am to beat traffic to Vegas. It was a trip that was planned from the October prior based on a random phone call that offered a deal too good to pass up. My spring break was the only time Mike and I could both go away and not miss work(we'd leave on mon. return on wed Mike would preach Thurs. and Friday for two new Holy week services a great plan in our eyes). It was a Monday morning and we had had a late night with the Gap kids the night before at IN and OUT. Mike had eaten some peppers due to some crazy kids always daring him to do things and so was not feeling very well, so drove. We tiredly packed the car, I was searching for my camera couldn't find it Mike wanted to go b/c we had to stop at the church to get some books and he couldn't find his sunglasses so he thought he left them there, he did but didn't find them that morning. We drove to about the half way mark and grabbed a quick bite traded positions in the car and then arrived in Vegas around 10ish. My friend Dawn was also on spring break but was headed to LA so I called her and she wanted to meet up and show me her house. First Mike wanted to go to the room and settle in, I wanted just to drive to see Dawn knowing that once Mike was in the room he wouldn't want to go. But we checked in and he didn't want to go. It was the Cubs home opener and well we all know what a fan Mike was. So I went solo to see Dawn. A pretty short visit around 2 hours, but I returned to an unhappy Mike. He wanted to watch the game with me and didn't understand why I wanted to see Dawn more than spend time with him, which wasn't the case but I won't go there now. SO we, well I spent the day appologizing for not realizing how much he wanted me to watch that game so I took him to all the places on the strip I thought he would like, ESPN zone, hard rock, m&m store (ok that was for me to find stuff for Dawn's wedding shower) and well we ended up at WIENERSNITZLE or however you spell that hot dog place had lunch and an odd conversation. He wanted to know what Dawn and I had talked about which was her house primarily, but I said she had made an odd statement that she didn't know what the mortgage payment was that Matt handled it, and I thought that was so strange, b/c I wanted to know everything about our mortgage that we had just taken on. This led to talking about pastor Gablers wife who after he died Mike had to help her with her bills and writing checks. He then went into great detail asking me did I know the password to the online banking and explaining that everything was set up there so if anything happened I would not be in the same state. (pertinate conversation looking back) Anyways we spent the rest of the day relaxing and napping, well he napped I walked around. That night was the NCAA Final Four final game so I thought he would want to go out, but we decided that it would be to crazy for us so we bought pepsi and a frozen pizza cooked it in our amazing room (the nicest room I have ever stayed in) and watched the game there. It ended being a really great night just hanging out watching the game and of course all the ESPN highlights and commentary after. But a good day with a rough start.