Friday, December 28, 2012

1/2 way there

Well tomorow I am 20 weeks which is 1/2 way to full term:) I feel like I have been pregnant for forever.  This week has been quite an emotional week (and I don't think I can blame the hormones).  Friday Armando and I left for Cabo San Lucas.  It was really nice and what I needed.  A little beach time is always a good thing for me.  We came back on Christmas day and went to my sisters where probably for the first time all of my siblings were together on  Christmas day.  I could only look at my dad and wonder if he was feeling the way I was my first Christmas without Mike.  Happy on outside and falling apart on the inside.  It was different without mom.  Christmas was her faovorite holiday, enough so that she always wanted to celebrate it again in July.  She would buy small gifts throughout the year and well that meant there was plenty of gifts to open on Christmas.  Baking this year was not the week long event that it was normally, abrieviated would be an understatement.  But we did gather at Dads and bake some, which to dad was a comfort.  Perhaps in July I can convice the crew to bake:) This year though new tradition, Shelly, Micah, and Armando played guitar and sang Christmas songs- I wont say carols as they were all the frosty and santa songs that Shelly picked out, but to him perhaps that is what he thinks of as Christmas.  So next year I will be ready with printed sheets of carols that tell the real reason of Christmas, Christ.

Well the day after Christmas I had my monthly check in with the OB.  I have been told by several that I needed to tell the doctor about the car accident and the injuries that I had.  In the last few weeks I can feel them again, I think it is the muscles and bones stretching, and where there is scar tissue and stiffness it hurts, but never the less I told him.  His response was -"well you are probably going to have to have a c- section.  I know my face dropped b/c he immediately started stating all the benifits to c-sections and its not that bad......... I forgot everything else I was going to ask him and walked to the car tears streaming down my face.  I realize that in reality it doesn't really matter how the baby arrives as long as it arrives healthy, but something inside me really wanted to experience a natural birth.  So I requested my medical records and am praying that they show that the birth channel is not afftected and I can try to have a natural birth. 

Thursday I went for the anatomy scan.  This is the ultrasound where they check all the organs and make sure everything is the right size and in the right place.  It was probably one of the coolest things I have ever seen.  I was sad that Armando had to work and couldn't be there, but I took Dawn with me and she had an amazing time.  It was like watching a video in biology class- you could see all 4 ventricles of the heart, the different areas of the brain, watch the blood flow into the kidneys, amazing to think this is all happening inside me.  Then they took a picture of the feet- holy cow the cutest things ever so tiny and so complete AMAZING:) Dawn asked exactly how big is the baby- well its 10 ounces- my response a good size steak:) pretty funny to think about. 

I am looking very pregnant now- My belly I think has finally poped out and decided to stay out which is wierd and wonderful all at the same time.  Until now it would swell and shrink and I felt looked mostly like fat as opposed to prego.  So we will see how the 2nd half of this goes.  Im am grateful God has given me this gift and opportunity- one I had given up on 5 years ago.  God can do amazing things:)

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Torn by Beliefs

Today was an interesting day.  My brother had his daughter (who is 8 months old) baptized. The whole service I just kept thinking every passage you are reading you are misapplying.  It made me think that if I am having this much trouble with a small piece of theology in my family, how much harder would it be for people who have completely different views.  It made me realize why Christ said if you love me you must leave your family.  I was so bothered by it I started crying in the service because it took all of my might to sit and not say a word about all the things that were wrong.  I wanted so badly to point them out and scream  baptism doesn't make you a child of God belief in Christ does.  You cannot be a child of God if you don't have belief in His Son.  I'm not saying God doesn't love this child, he loves in a general sense all of his creation, but you are not a child of God with the gift of the Holy Spirit until you believe and confess in Jesus. 

Since my mom passed away I now have an even bigger burden for the salvation of my family.  We all grew up in the same house, but each person is at a different place in their walk with God.  Some are walking with Him, others just have the head knowledge without visible application of the truths they know.  I am not one to judge them, God will, but I am concerned for their hearts and the hearts of their kids.  My mom was the spiritual leader in our home, which may surprise some as you would expect that my dad being a pastor would have filled that role.  But it was her.  She was the one who would encourage us to read our Bibles, pray, and live a life that would please God, but above all she prayed for us each one of us every day.  Now I feel that there is a void.  So I feel that I need to be her voice to them sharing the Word of God with them.  I am not as bold as her, so this scares me beyond belief.  But to my surprise God provided a window today.  I didn't want to even be there, as I don't agree but want to show support so there I was an emotional wreck trying to keep it together on the outside. 

My 4 year old niece came over and grabbed me by the hand, "I need you" she took me out of the room to a large Christmas tree where at the bottom was a porcelain nativity scene.  She sat down pulling me with her and said, "what is this?"  I said its the nativity scene.  "whats that, tell me the story" she said.  So I told her about each one of the figures and why they were in the scene.  I ended by telling her that God sent Jesus so we could be with Him in Heaven.  She said she wanted no part of Heaven.  Why I asked.  "because you have to die to go there and I don't want to die" It was hard to explain to her that Heaven is so much better than here, but I understand her fear.  Then she said I don't believe in God,  why I asked.  "I cant see Him, so hes not real" but about 2 seconds later she was telling me how God rested on the 7th day of creation.  We talked about this for a bit and then went back with the family.

I needed that conversation today.  Maybe more for me than for her.  God gave me what I wanted, a chance to share with my family in a way that I could do.  My prayer is that there would be more conversations like these not only with the 4 year old but with all of them.  I am not as bold as my mom, but she taught me well by example that God places you where you are for a reason.  She used to tell me my adventures were "Jesus missions".  I was a missionary, not to a foreign land usually but to foreigners to the kingdom of God. 

I am glad God encourages me when I need it and it ways I don't expect

Sunday, December 2, 2012

4 months and counting

Today is December 2, 2012 and well much to my unbelief I am 4 months pregnant.  It still does not seem real most days.  I am not as nauseous as I was, well until about a week ago, which is nice.  I am still not hungry most of the time but trying to eat at regular 2 hour intervals to give my body what it needs.  I am excited that I have a bit more energy and I have started to exercise again.  I really have not done any regular workouts for about 2 years, which is really sad, but I know there is a season for everything and well there is no time like today to start working out again.  Thursday I took a hula class with Leilani, which was alright, Im not much for group classes and really dont like a room full of mirrors but my abs need the work so hula hula I shall go:).  Then Friday in the rain Armando and I went swimming which was the 3rd time in weeks span as we went before Thanksgiving and I went again on last Sunday, but Friday I felt like the old me, not as tired and I wanted to keep swimming:) I only swam for about 40 min.  Saturday morning again in the mist we went down to Redondo and he ran while I hooked up the heart monitor and walked fast enough to get the heart rate up, I think eventually I will run again as it just seems easier to run rather than walking like a crazy woman for 40 minutes.  The waves were big and I always forget just how much a love the smell of the ocean and the sound of the crashing waves.  A good start to the weekend:).  This morning I got up and did a prenatal yoga video, which pointed out very quickly just how flexible I am not.  I am hoping if I do that a few times a week I can increase my flexibility and do everything I can to prepare my body for labor.  I just keep thinking that my mom did this 6 times.  My body continues to change, which from a biology background is cool and interesting to me as I try to remember all that I learned so many years ago and watch as God does this amazing thing inside me.  From my own perspective it's odd.  I am in what i call the fat stage, I am not big enough for strangers to see that I'm pregnant, but I am definitely larger than I have ever been.  Which means that nothing really fits right.  Maternity clothes are too big, and well my regular clothes (minus sweats) are too tight and uncomfortable.  The biggest challenge for me has been telling people that I am pregnant.  It just seems so odd and well something that I want to keep to myself for the most part.  Most everyone is excited when I tell them, but I just feel weird saying it.  I guess in a few weeks my body will say it for me.