Tuesday, March 31, 2009

What I've learned in the last 2 years

As the two year anniversary of the accident approaches I wanted to take time to reflect not on what I've lost, but what I have learned because of the loss.
I've learned:
1. to walk again- I tend to forget that when I get frustrated with my lack of motivation and slow running times, that it has not been that long since I had to use a walker and needed help just to sit up.
2.I have some amazing friends-you have been so supportive and tolerant of my moodiness and have been willing to make major sacrifices of your time to spend it with me
3. What an impact a person's life when centered on Christ can make- testimony of what people have learned and still remember from Mike is overwhelming it should be motivation to live the way that he did-for Christ
4. That God is sovereign over the big things and little things in my life- trusting Him is hard, but when I do things go a lot better
5. I have the opportunity to do things better- Most days I wish that God would have taken me too, but since that was not His plan I have the opportunity to be a better friend, sister, aunt, teacher, perhaps a wife (I'm still not sure that will happen again, but if it does I know more than I ever did and would change a lot, but Mike is a tough act to follow) I can only pray that I take the opportunity and time to invest in the relationships God has given me.
6. God's grace is an amazing power force that supplies peace, strength, comfort, and reason to get up each day despite how I feel. Without it I would not be able to function.
7. To find joy in Christ. Mike would always ask me when I was upset or moodymoods as he called it where is your joy, the expected response was "in Christ" but in the last 24 months there has been joy but only if I look to Christ and not the circumstance He has blessed me in so many ways that I have to thank Him daily for all He provides and the places He guides, even though I may not want to go willingly.
8. I am an emotional roller coaster, but that is alright. I never would have thought that you could be totally happy and completely sad in the same moment, but the O'Roark wedding is proof that this is possible. You can be excited and devastated in the same moment and I can be completely lonely in a crowded room or feel content while alone. It doesn't make sense and I have no words to describe it but despite popular belief Amy is an emotional person even if i don't like to show it.
9. God has an amazing love for me. Yes Jesus loves me is a song we all know, but I don't think until you are in the darkest pit of despair do you realize that He really loves you. Oh the deep deep love of Jesus vast unmeasured rolling as the mighty ocean in its fullness over me.....all I need and trust is the deep deep love of Jesus.....he's interceding before the throne...far surpassing all the rest its an ocean full of blessing in the midst of every test...you will bring us home to glory where your love will never end.
10. Psalms and hymns are comforting and full of doctrine that when I refuse to open the Bible because it hurts, minister to me and push me to open up God's word, because that truly is the only place that will bring me healing. And although I still have a long way to go in the healing process, God is working and as much as I want to be done with the grieving process God is using it to teach and grow me into a better person than I ever was before the accident, so for that I thank Him for it.

God is good no matter how I feel. He is faithful when I am not. He loves me and that should be enough. I pray that you will experience God's love daily and not wait for catastrophe to happen before you realize the depth of that love. He gives and takes away Blessed be His name!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Copper update

Copper has not eaten since early Friday morning. He got sick friday afternoon and the sickness continued through Saturday afternoon. I talked to the vet on Saturday and he gave me meds to help calm his stomach. But he still wont eat. He just hides and well looks so pathetic. I have to call the vet Monday morning and he said he can give me pills that will make him want to eat so we will see. He is very weak and it breaks my heart to look at him. He still wants to walk but can hardly stand for any length of time. Pray for courage to make the final decision and comfort to survive that step. Thanks for all your support and prayers. God's creation is amazing and I have been so blessed by Copper.

Friday, March 20, 2009

what not to say to a widow.

over the last 24 months I have gotten a lot of advice and what others have done what others think they might do and well random things. Most of which has either been helpful or I just let it go in one ear and out the other, ask any of my close friends I don't remember much of anything from the first year. but one comment has/is bugging me. "you're young you'll marry agian" and always in a tone that is positive as if this makes everything alright. What in the world are they thinking. Does my age mean I loved Mike less and would forget him faster than if I were 60 or 70? or do older people suddenly loose the ability to love after 50 so marriage isn't possible? I don't get it and I wish people would stop using my age and remariage in the same sentence and I wish people could remember that I knew Mike for 20 years. It shouldn't bother me but it does. Maybe I will marry again but maybe I won't and either way Im not ready to make that choice now it has only been 2 years which is not a lot of time. Plus Im still wrestling with scripture in this area. I realize in 1 Timothy it says that if widows are younger than 60 they should remarry. but Paul also states in 1 Corinthians 7:8 to the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. I think both of these state that if you have self control and are able to be single than its fine and if not don't sin get married. So for now I am fine being single and would be a disaster to date. (poor guy if this does ever happen) So this is my vent for the evening. I make no promise to marry or to remain single. I want to be content. stop giving dating and marrying advice.... God will do what He wants in my life and in the lives of the singles and married around me. It will be in His time and it is not dependent on age. So please don't use my age as a bandage for Mike's death. It would have hurt just as much if it had happened when I was 65 or if it happened when we were 26. sorry Iknow none of you who read this are the problem advice givers but this is whats on my mind. Happy Friday!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

thank you Baldwins

A great friend gave me this cd about a year ago I guess, I listened to it continuously for about a month, and just this week put it in agian. I have been in a wierd fog lately stressed out with work and life in general and torn between feeling relieved the day is over and I am one day closer to spring break, a break from the kids, and dreading that I am one day closer to spring break b/c it will be 2 years and my heart knows it without a calender. But there is this song that captured my prayer this morning.

When darkness falls
Temptations call
And all around me seems undone
You hear my pleas
Supply my needs
And tell me of Your wondrous love

You are the joy in my morning
You’re my song of praise
Just like the new day dawning
Flooding my world with grace

Though trials come
And every one
Can take me further from Your truth
You calm my fears
Dry all my tears
And draw me closer, Lord, to You

In You there’s no shadow of turning
Constant in all Your ways
You’re growing my faith and I’m learning to lean
On You all of my days
© 2008 Sovereign Grace Worship (ASCAP)

I just pray that I live this way. That He is my JOY in mourning, there can be joy in spite of the mourning. that I trust Him to calm my fears and know that he is holding all my tears (He has big hands!) but that He is drawing me unto Himself and growing my faith, which at times is smaller than that famous mustard seed. I pray that I would lean on Him more and not try to do everything on my own, but that is an area we are working on.... alot. His grace continues to flow to me in abundance (another great song on the cd talks about that perhaps tomorow I'll post that one) and I know that one day this will all be for my good in His plan.

Monday, March 16, 2009

a note from Copper

Ok I am sorry I have not bloged (if that is a real word) in a while. But if I had it would have been depressing for all who read this(the last few weeks have not been the greatest). But since my very cheery friend Leilani said I didn't blog the good news about Copper I figured I should ask him to blog for you.

Thank you for your prayers. I had to stay at the vet overnight which was scary and I really missed my mom and brother. In the morning they put me to sleep and put a drain in. I couldn't see it and as hard as I try I couldn't lick it, my mom was glad about that. I had to stay inside 5 whole days and be seperated from my brother who barked at my drain and who was upset that he could not play with me. After day 3 I went back to the vet-he's nice but I don't like that place, and he took the drain out. The swelling on my neck has gone down, but my mom can still feel it a little and my lymphnodes are inflamed on both sides, but the size of golf balls not softballs. I am still on meds which I don't like to eat so mom has to find people food to wrap them in which I enjoy but in her fridge its hard to come by. PopPop helped out a lot letting me out to use the grass while mom was working. Pray for her because wherever she goes to work she comes back looking stressed out. But tonight she took us boys for a walk and we did great except Sam he tried to use the grass and mom didn't have a bag so mom made a run for the house in hopes he wouldn't do it. It was funny to watch. I will talk to my mom about letting me blog more, I really have a lot to say!!! Thanks for praying I am feeling much better, but still have cancer so pray that I fight it and that my mom will be alright when God takes me out of this world. I know that I have been a support to her and I love her alot and I know she is going to miss me. But I also know that she/we have great friends who will be a great support when bad things happen just like 2 years ago. I know the time is near b/c mom is way emotional and I have had many tears to lick up the last few weeks as she dreds the date, but I know you are praying and hopefully I will be well to be here to lick her and make her smile that day too!
Thanks agian.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Copper update..not for the faint hearted

Last night was a really long night. Copper had difficulty breathing, gasping for air, he was not able to close his mouth, his heart was racing, he kept choaking and at around 3am I thought I would have to take him to emergency. His throat continued to leave marks around the house but at around 3:30 am he went outside and came back in and laid down. I fell asleep for a few hours and Thankfully this morning he was doing better but I still made the apt. at the vet. He was so normal today full of energy so I was not excited to take him to the vet but trusted that if he the vet said he needed to be put down I would be alright with that, and if not he could tell me how to help Copper should he repeat last nights symptoms. So I took him for one last car ride, one last walk at the beach, one last walk around the vet.... this led to him and I sitting in the vet's office and his neck leaking all over the place not just dripping but really gross puddles forming around him and I, which I figured was confirmation that he needed to be put down, however the vet looked at him and it turns out that the lump is an abses on top of the lympnode which could be related to the cancer. It needed to be drained although he squeezed it and it drained all over the floor it needs deeper drainage so he put in a shunt to allow it to drain. Copper had to stay at the vet but will (if God wills) come home tomorrow. He will be on 2 types of antibiotics and hopefully that will take care of the ooosing lump. I will have to take him back to the vet on Friday to remove the drain and we will go from there. So agian I thank you for your prayers. I will keep you posted.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Copper update, probably the last.

Tonight when I came home from class coppers neck was bloody. It seems his collar has rubbed his growing mass even though it was on the largest possible hole. So Micah had taken it off. His mouth is being effected and hanging down. He looks at me with the same loving understanding eyes and is more awake than he has been recently but he looks so uncomfortable, yet he doesn't cry or whine just lays near and wags his tail. So tomorrow morning I will call the vet to see if/when he can see copper to possibly make him more comfortable. I am praying I leave the vet with copper tomorrow, however reality may not be this. Im not sure what this will be like or what I am going to do without him. So pray as I go and face the unknown. Although this should be the prayer everyday b/c really that is reality it is all unknown and all my thoughts and dreams I hold for me life need to be prefaced with "if God wills" and oh how different God's will and my will seem to be these last two years. But I am trusting or at least trying to that His will holds things that are better than I can imagine. At the moment that is hard to believe. Pray for me.