Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Copper Update

Copper has lived passed the expected 2 months the vet gave him. However Monday the lumps on his neck returned. I called the vet and he said it was normal and if they get bigger to call. Just pray that I would be able to handle whatever and whenever this cancer starts affecting him more. So far he just sleeps more and his mouth sometimes has a wierd twitch. He also drinks a ton of water which means an occasional accident in the house. I am so grateful he is still here and am trying to enjoy his company while it lasts. If you would like to go with me on a walk let me know!!!

small joys

Yesterday I had my 5 very cute nieces over to bake & decorate sugar cookies (well 4 baked and Lana looked on). I love to bake and I thought it might be something I could share. They seemed to have so much fun, adding ingredients and watching the mixer go around & around. Then rolling out the dough (like playdough) and cutting out various shapes...so fun. The best was when they frosted the cookies. At least 4inches thick on each small cookie topped with an entire bottle of sprinkles! my dogs are loving picking up the left overs!! It was a joyful thing. They have no fear, no sadness, they are just happy with life. It was contageous!

Meghan asked me an interesting question "does uncle Mike know God?" "Yes" I said, "He knows God and because He loved Jesus He is living with God right now. Isn't he lucky!" She smiled and went back to watching the Little Mermaid.

It made me so grateful. Mike prayed for these girls since before they were born. Praying that one day God would draw them unto Himself, I am so glad that at such a young age they are asking such questions.

It made me smile! I can't ask for much more! Mike loved them so much and would be so proud of the way they are growing up! Im glad they still remember him.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

new view

Ok, so I appologize for the last entry, but I am going to leave it so that this one will make sense. I put in a CD that the Baldwins gave me.(love you guys) by the Getty family. I don't know the names of songs but here are the lyrics (there may be some errors)

When trials come no longer fear, for in the pain Our God draws near to find a faith worth more than gold and there His faithfulness is told

Within the night I know your peace, the breath of God brings strength to me and new each morning mercy flows as treasures of the darkness grow.

I turn to wisdom not my own, for every battle you have known, my confidence with rest in you, your love endures your ways are good.

When I am weary with the cost I see the triumph of the cross so in its shadow I shall run till He completes the work begun.

One day all things will be made knew, I’ll see the hope you’ve called me to, and in your kingdom paved with gold, I’ll praise your faithfulness of old.

I felt so convicted. In my pain God draws near (see verse one) and it is to refine me to make me better it just doesn't feel good. But I need to realize verse two-that he give peace and treasure will grow some already have from this darkness. How do I do this, verse 3 I turn to wisdom not my own-open your bible amy - his word is still true even when I can't see how it is in this situation he has a plan and his ways are good. so verse 4-Im tired I need to look to the cross and run there, not away from emotions or events but to the cross and all that was accomplished there for me and it is not up to me when this refining will be over he will complete what he has started in me I just don't exactly know what that is right now. But I can be happy b/c last verse-one day all things will be made knew and I will see the HOPE He called me to and then I will sing of His faithfulness- how great is our God that He is loving, faithful, and has a plan and doesn't change it based on me and my emotional status. Yes this hurts but there will be good even if I don't see it until I walk on the streets of gold. May I remain faithful and focused on the cross and not on me.

The next song is In Christ Alone. I wont write the lyrics but you should sing it. It should be a Christmas song (verse 2) That is why we have Christmas. May my hope be found only in Christ. I have hope!!! it just hurts at the moment.

will the grief ever end???

today was a hard day. well this whole weekend was hard. well if I am really honest I hate the holidays starting with thanksgiving. You are supposed to be happy and have great plans to spend with family, and I want nothing more than to disapear. The tears have been working overtime and I don't know how to make them stop. I want january to be here already. not that it helps because it would appear that every month minus september, october, & march, have some significant day in them. I want to be in Heaven or at least in a place where I don't hurt anymore. I know God did not promise us an easy life or a comfortable life and so I should just be grateful and stop complaining b/c far more people have to deal with significantly worse things than a broken heart and a confused mind.

This song just popped into my mind:

I cry out for hand of mercy to heal me
I am weak and I need your love to free me
oh Lord your my rock my strength in weakness come rescue me oh Lord

I want to run. but then agian I don't. I want to be able to be in a room with happy people and be happy. not just for looks but honestly be happy and not have a knot in my stomach wondering how much longer I have to keep it together b/c I don't want to wreck it for everyone else. I don't want to be the black whole sucking the joy out of the room. and I don't know how to do that.

Right now I want to delete all that I have written, but I started this blog to allow you to see what really goes on in my mind, scary thought.. but I am hurting tonight and Im not sure how to fix it. I thought I was doing better. So sorry for the relapse of emotion. I just really miss mike and today I really miss grandpa too. They were my two biggest fans who gave really great hugs when I needed them. and tonight they aren't here and I really want a hug. It just me in a really quiet house and the dogs are scared b/c Im crying a lot so they won't even cuddle.

I know that things will be alright, they always are, I just hate not being in control of my emotions and today they got the best of me. Tomorow is another day with mercies new in the morning. I hope it is a better morning one with less mourning!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


My new Wednesday routine seems to be sitting in traffic. Last week it took me over 2 hours to travel less than 15 miles. Today almost 2 hours to get from Santa Monica to my house. I wish people knew how to drive in the rain! also I wish there was a way to keep my dogs out of the mud. Oh the constant cleaning of towels, sheets, floors... I love my dogs! I hope next Wed is not spent sitting on the 405

Sunday, December 14, 2008

It's Christmas time

I got to thinking today about Christmas(it is about time seeing it is less than 2 weeks away) and I wondered why I have not decorated or shopped or even thought about it. Perhaps it is because it is so different from past Christmases, Mike & I spent part every Christmas from 2002-2005 with Grandpa and Grandma Crawford while she was alive, and that won't happen agian. or perhaps its because it doesn't really matter. Mike did not like Christmas- he thought everyone was so fake. Putting on happy faces talking with people you wouldn't normally, and being happy when the other 11 months you weren't. I guess over the last two years I have come to see his point. I used to love Christmas-love baking, decorating, singing, giving gifts, eating my baking.....but I always was stressed. I wanted everything to be perfect. and for what. The purpose (if there is one) to Christmas is to remember Christ's birth. But we should do that every day. He came to die, that through death He might grant us eternal life. If we can't be joyful over that fact all year, than why at Christmas. So as I approach Christmas this year, I have minimal decorations (I have to decorate I love it too much) and I will be baking with my mom this saturday. But because it fun, and it is a chance to spend time with my mom (we don't do that very much) not because I have to. It is a chance for me to share some joy to neighbors through yummy cookies, but also with cards that should talk about the savior. So during this holiday season don't stress but do share joy, the joy you should be sharing all year round. and come over and enjoy some cookies (I'm not supposed to eat them) Give the gift of Christ through a smile or a hug to someone and remind them that its not about the lights and gifts but about THE LIGHT and the perfect gift...Christ.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

a life worth living

I leave tomorrow for VA to go to grandpa's funeral. I'm not sure how I am feeling about anything. Yesterday I looked at a picture with Mike, grandma, and grandpa. It was taken Christmas 2005 only two years ago, everyone is laughing due to comments that were being made at the time it is a great pic. But it occured to me that not one of them is here to smile with me anymore. It was a reality check (you would think I wouldn't need these anymore) to how short life is. (Even though there are days that seem like an eternity) We are a vapor. Grace asked a question the other day along the lines of are we living for something worth dying for. Paul said "to live Christ, to die gain" are we living that way. The only thing worth living and dying for is Christ. So pray for boldness to share with so many who are without Christ, for they are a vapor too. May I take every opportunity and step way out of my comfort zone!!