will the grief ever end???

today was a hard day. well this whole weekend was hard. well if I am really honest I hate the holidays starting with thanksgiving. You are supposed to be happy and have great plans to spend with family, and I want nothing more than to disapear. The tears have been working overtime and I don't know how to make them stop. I want january to be here already. not that it helps because it would appear that every month minus september, october, & march, have some significant day in them. I want to be in Heaven or at least in a place where I don't hurt anymore. I know God did not promise us an easy life or a comfortable life and so I should just be grateful and stop complaining b/c far more people have to deal with significantly worse things than a broken heart and a confused mind.

This song just popped into my mind:

I cry out for hand of mercy to heal me
I am weak and I need your love to free me
oh Lord your my rock my strength in weakness come rescue me oh Lord

I want to run. but then agian I don't. I want to be able to be in a room with happy people and be happy. not just for looks but honestly be happy and not have a knot in my stomach wondering how much longer I have to keep it together b/c I don't want to wreck it for everyone else. I don't want to be the black whole sucking the joy out of the room. and I don't know how to do that.

Right now I want to delete all that I have written, but I started this blog to allow you to see what really goes on in my mind, scary thought.. but I am hurting tonight and Im not sure how to fix it. I thought I was doing better. So sorry for the relapse of emotion. I just really miss mike and today I really miss grandpa too. They were my two biggest fans who gave really great hugs when I needed them. and tonight they aren't here and I really want a hug. It just me in a really quiet house and the dogs are scared b/c Im crying a lot so they won't even cuddle.

I know that things will be alright, they always are, I just hate not being in control of my emotions and today they got the best of me. Tomorow is another day with mercies new in the morning. I hope it is a better morning one with less mourning!