Friday, August 31, 2012

10 years

Ten years is a long time, or so I thought.  10 years ago today Mike proposed.  I remember it, almost every detail of it, and back then I had no idea how my life would end up.  Today I went to the beach and thought about all the dreams that he and I had at one point in time.  Some dreams we got to expierience while others I had to stay goodbye to when I said goodbye to him.  I was reading two books today, one a grief book- which was bad, Ive yet to find a helpful grief book, the other If God is good, a book on evil.  I know I don't pick such light reading.  However, what I realized yet again today is that God works in ways that I cannot imagine.  I have learned so much in the last 5 years that if I had my way, I wouldn't have learned.  I still find it hard to make plans, for in my mind I feel that any plan I have will surely end in disaster (either for me or for those who are close to me). I know that God has a plan and it is for my good.  I know that trials are to teach me and to grow my faith and make me more like Christ.  This past year has been so odd.  I feel uncomfortable in my own skin most days torn and confused about who I am the choices I have made, and what Im doing and where exactly I am supposed to be.  I know I will never get direct answers to any of my questions and can only pray for wisdom.  I wonder in 10 years what will I be doing, what memories will I cherish from now.  Will I be proud of the choices I made or regret them.  Saying yes that night to him changed the course of my life in ways that I could not imagine that night.  I thank God for the gift he gave me in Mike, and know that His plans are perfect, and joys and trials I have now are gifts too.  10 years is not that long.