35 years

Today is Mike's birthday.  It would have been 35 and I imagine that I would have planned a big party or maybe something small just with family, but maybe we would have had kids by now, maybe not, these are some of the millions of thoughts that have crossed my mind this week and well often fill my mind.  However God's plans are perfect and His timing is perfect and what we dream of or speculate what we think our lives would be like His plans trump ours.  Emotionally these "big" calandar days always throw me for a loop.  I am living a life that looks nothing like what I imagined and had you told me 6 years ago this would be my life ( or even 2 years ago) I would have told you you were crazy! I still find myself wanting to make sense of it, but it doesn't, I want to not miss him anymore, but I still do.  This becomes a challange when you have a new husband (who is a great guy, so don't think otherwise) who you are supposed to be completely happy with and yet I still have this void.  I feel like a soap opera story line half the time in my life, which I think my life would make a pretty good soap opera, (minus all the affairs and murders and lies and well maybe not so much....) but what if Mike came back who would I choose? Its a good thing I wont ever have to answer that question. In Heaven no one is married as marriage is a earthly picture of what our relationship will be like with God.  Now its hard for me to make this picture mainly because my view of marriage is flawed by the fact that both my marriages are marriages between sinners who cannot love the way God can and does and will love us. To love and be loved perfectly is unconprehendible to me and I cant wait to experience it.  no more emotional roller coaster days, just perfect peace and joy.  no more questions, no more disapointments.  Heaven sounds so good!