missing mom

today is Friday and I am home at 6:30pm. I am never home this early. All week I have been at mom's house spending time with dad making sure he wasn't alone. He went with my brother in llaw tonight, which meant I was not needed there and so I came home. However I have no idea what to do. I do not feel like cleaning (as we cleaned each day at moms) and honestly I feel very odd. What do people do when they get home before 10pm on a Friday??? This I fear is what I am goig to struggle with. Tomorow my dad and I will go to the mortuary to sign papers, I remember all too well what this was like with Mike. five years later Im doing it again. At least I know what to expect, and that has been helpful with dad. I think we might have to get cable, never thought I would say that, I have lived 41/2 years with out it, but at moms we watched the cooking channel and sports all the time, I am going to miss that. how she would crack up and comment on dumb comertials, guess who would be chopped, the list goes on. I know she is happier now but I miss her already and its only been a couple of days. As much as I wished for a Friday night off, now I have one and don't have a clue as to what to do with it. I guess that is life, always wishing for something that you don't have and not realizing what you have until its gone, except I knew what I had with mom.

a dramtic change

All week I have been dreading this weekend. Why? because everyone was going to be out of town which left Joel and I to cover the weekend. However I now feel completly guilty as my mom has had a rapid change in her health. On Tuesday, after she took her pills she felt pain in her throat. since then each time she would try to eat or drink anything she would have massive saliva production which led to a lot of spitting and fear that she would choke on her own spit. This brought back the use of the cough machine and brought to the house a suction machine. We tried different ways/items/textures of food/drink, but all of them had the same effect. so since Wed mom really has not eaten but a few trial bites of any food. However she was herself up beat and talkative until Thursday night. She had several visitors and went to bed at 3 which never happens. Friday morning after her bath she didnt want to get out of bed, which was a sign that tthings were not good, cause on her really bad days she always went to the other room. Friday would be the last time I would hear my moms voice. She had trouble speaking but got out one word sounds and I would complete her thoughts. As the day progressed she talked less and less and opened her eyes less and less. Early Sat. morning her requests stopped. She slept most of the day and today Sunday we stopped the IV as that was her wish. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. Watching her lay there unresponsive breaks my heart. She is comfortable (i think) we are doing the best to manage that. But this is not her. I now pray that God would grant the desire of her heart that she would be able to be with Him. That she will once again sing His praises, she will dance again, and will see her savior face to face. She has fought the good fight and she is finishing well. To the end she was in love with her Savior. She shared this with everyone she came in contact with. she studied his word daily and loved it. I am who I am because of her and I am so gratefull for the Godly mother that I was given. I am also so thankful for the last two years that I have spent nearly every day with her. I am glad that I was able to do something for her as she gave me her whole life. She made sure I got to every soccer game/tournament, softball game, she was my beach buddy for many a summer. We had so many adventures together. we did not always agree, but God is so faithful in allowing our relationship to be restored and allowing me to once again be friends with my mom. I am so grateful for this one thing. I will miss her as I already do. But I know that God is faithful and he will be with me as I walk through the days ahead. I know that he is able to heal and that good does come from the darkness.

Thank you O'Roarks!

not so good pic, but ...proof we actually were there.

Love the turtles!

Bad pic but fun Otters

One of my fave things to watch, Jellies:) they are fun to touch too!

Touching sharks and rays

About a month ago the O'Roarks came to visit LA, and while I could lie and say it was to visit me, it was for little ms. Daphne's arrival. But while they were here I did enjoy hanging out with them for a bit. They also brought with them a coupon for the aquarium, which I vowed to use. So on Sunday for a few hours we went which provided a much needed break. I planned to post many pics but can only load one. sad! but loved it:)

Ok this is backwards but o'well

day 2-project get skinny

Hello lactic acid. Its a great feeling. well sort of. My legs are a little sore which is just a sign of exactly how out of shape I am that a 35 min jog would do this to me, but.... So today I got way too involved in cleaning. I have been trying over this break to actually move into this house. It has been 5 years since Mike and i bought this place, while it is far different today than Dec 23, 2006, I have never really moved in. So when I looked up it was already after 11, so beach run was out of the question, so I took all three dogs on a 45 min walk. Granted Sam had to take several breaks along the way, which he did in the middle of the street- great timing Sam. They were really very good today, minimal pulling and peeing- always a plus! Diet wise, I did not eat or drink enough, but made better food choices than I have been making.... small steps I say! Tomorrow is another day. I am hoping to get down to the beach, but really want to finish this house. Today the lady 2 doors down came by (never happens) she asked if I was moving, no just cleaning- I literally have taken everything off the shelves, out of the closets and put them all back minus the stuff I'm giving away. So tomorrow Salvation Army will get a big load from me:) Anyways pray for Diana-shes the neighbor she had ovarian cancer, but now they found a softball size mass in her rib area, but it is wrapped around her aorta somehow so they are putting her through 6 months of intense chemo so hopefully it will shrink and they can remove it easier. Nice lady, goes to a orthadox presbaterian church, anyone know what they believe? perhaps I will visit. Well hope your week is going well. Only 2 days left this year, enjoy them.

time for me

In the past year I have gladly given up many things to be able to be with mom. however today I decided that I need to try to be me again and do a few things that used to bring me joy and make me feel good. Primarily working out and eating healthy. For the past year I have been making mom yummy feel good fat foods, which I love and she has enjoyed, however my body is now suffering the consequences.... I have no energy and my clothes dont fit. So yesterday when I saw a pair of pants on sale I decided that I needed to do something (as I dont need new clothes, just need to be able to fit into the ones I have) So yesterday I put on workout clothes, ran some errands and crawled back into bed. Today put the same workout clothes on took the boys to the vet (now I cant afford new pants anyways) and then went to the beach to run. I only ran for 35 minutes then walked for 10 but it felt horrible and fantastic all at the same time. I love running and need to make time for it despite how tired I am from the hours I work, so for now while I am off work running will happen. So I am going to use this blog once again as accountability as I know pretty much only Dini reads this (hi!) but as I looked back on my older posts it was good to read my thoughts and motivated me as I saw what I used to be capable of doing. I'm not ready to put on a swimsuit at 4:30 in the morning just yet, but running clothes will be a good start. So today so far a 45 run/walk from ave 26-4 blocks past the 90210 house and back. Breakfast= oatmeal and an egg. I will post lunch, dinner and snacks later. I'm hoping I will be able to get back into this so I can feel a little more like myself, and not be so self conscious and perhaps have some energy.

church?!

Church, who needs it? well I do. I went to church for the first time in months on Sunday. I miss church. I haven't really been to church where I understand whats going on for probably more than a year. Which is funny to me as I was known as the "church girl" growing up. But as I sat in church and tried to figure out what the pastor was saying, I would look up the passage and then read the chapters before and after just 'cause. Then we were in Psalms and I read 77 thought of a song, read pasalm 119:14-29 thought of mom, and on and on I went reading (hence adding to my lack of understanding the sermon) Various books of the Bible, old testament and new I realized just how much I miss it. It amazes me that God loves me so much that He wrote this book for me to help me when I need it, in a million different circumstances it always address my need. Hebrews 4:16 (was in the sermon, but Im sure not talking about what I learned) says that I can come BOLDLY before God's throne. which is amazing b/c I should drop dead at the sight of it b/c of how holy He is. but not only can I come before the throne but He will give mercy and grace in my time of need. He is a judge and will judge me, but b/c of Christ, I am not only allowed to come before him, but he wants me know that I can come boldly, not like a timid child but boldly and get mercy and grace. Amazing. now I just need to remember this in my daily life and not rely on myself to get through everything, but boldly ask Him to help me. Perhaps my life would be less stressfull. I was glad to be in church, even if I don't know what they are singing or saying, I somehow am learning in spite of that. however in time I need a church so pray for that.

Seasons