Knowing God

I started reading Knowing God by JI Packer and  yesterday after the cleaning I was convicted about how little I know Him.  In Chap 2 he says "constantly we find ourselves slipping into bitterness and apathy and gloom as we reflect on them (refering to heartbreaks as the world sees them) which we frequently do. The attitude we show to the world is a sort of dried -up stoicism, miles removed from the 'joy unspeakable and full of glory' which Peter took for granted that his readers were displaying" He goes on later and states that if we really knew God then "they never brood on might-have-beens; they never think of the things they have missed, only what they have gained".  I have gained so much in the things that I have "lost", I forget that everything is a gift and on loan from God.  After Mike died I grew a ton in my faith and prayed more (except when I didn't) and read more (except when I reftused to) than I had before.  I could look at my life in a new way and saw very clearly areas needing improvement.  I was a better person after he died more displined in every area of my life. Of course being me, I have slipped as time moved on.  When mom got sick she became my priority and I put everything aside for her and all my disipline well that went away.  I guess in my own way I was protesting against God and His plan, the only problem is that in protest and lack of disipline I was the only one hurting.  So now to remember the things I gained after Mike died again and to have that faith and daily reliance on God. In the loss of mom, I gained too.  In her illness I gained a restored relationship that I had never thought possible, I learned how to cook (all be it really unhealthy yet so yummy), I learned to be a "nurse", I learned what it is to care for the dying, I learned humbleness by watching a very independent women rely on others for absolutly everything (and I am so much like her, man I need to work on that), I learned a lot about my own heart and what really lies there when it comes to my siblings and stress and I need a lot of work cleaning it up, I learned that in Mike dying I could help my dad as no one else could and in the last 2 days my dad actually listened and wanted to hear it and he was  able to calm down a bit, I relearned the mercies of God that He provides in unexpected ways, and I learned that my mom until the day she died loved her family more than she loved her own life and she wanted to have everything prepared to make it easier (its still hard).  But the biggest lesson was the importance of daily reading of the Bible.  I know its taught and Ive heard it a million times, but.... My mom years ago bought each of us a Daily Bible and before she died she ordered another one for each of us to make sure we still had one.  It was this example that I want to most follow my mom's passionate study of the Bible.  I don't read because Im tired and yet she read and studied when she couldn't move her fingers.  why? she knew the effect of reading and knowing her God.  I want to be focused on that, knowing God, His plan is perfect even when my earthly heart feels otherwise. All my losses and heartaches as the world would call them are just the opposite they are gains.  I gained a better perspective of God and His character going through these last 5 years and while my life is not at all how I dreamed it would be it is the way God wants it and really that is what matters.  So I pray that I would have JOY UNSPEAKABLE and full of glory.  There is joy its found in Christ and not the circumstances but the circumstance all too often are what force us to realize this truth.