questions

where do you find joy?

a finished house

It has been my goal since December 23, 2006 to finish this house. And wow the progress that we made. Now there are a few things left and as excited as I am to finish it, it has been really hard preparing for Saturday. Not just the physical part of it, but mentally. It has reminded me so much of what my life was like before that stupid trip away. We would get up go to work, get home change into the smelly work clothes and work until bed. It was tiring yet fun and we were doing it together. The last project we worked on was the roof. I was so proud of Mike b/c he got up there with me (which day 1 he didn't he simply cheered me on telling me how proud he was that he had a woman who would do what I was doing) but by day 2 he was up there (he wouldn't go up and down, but that was good excersize for me) We had fun and we finished it. The first day I came back home I went in the back yard, b/c I didn't think I could handle the inside, but when I looked up there was the roof and I lost it. I am so scared that that is going to happen agian. As I continue to sort through his stuff, and boxes we hadn't unpacked there are just so many memories. Sometimes they make me smile, others cry, and others simply ask why aren't you here. I keep wanting to miss him less and I guess the fact that I don't cry every single night anymore means that I do miss him less, yet I still have this huge part of me missing it seems. I don't think it is ever going to go away. Tonight I was at a fund raiser to help my sister, they were auctioning off single men and women. It was so hard to be in bar having random guys come talk to me so I would know them better in hopes that I would bid on them. Some were really nice and great looking, but I always thought of Mike and what he would say about them with his random comments and sense of humor that made an uncomfortable situation funny. I wish I had that tallent. I just wonder what God is planning and I now that that is not for me to know, only to trust and endure as Job did, but it is hard. I want to be excited about finishing the house not worried and feeling like Im loosing part of Mike b/c he' s not here to finish it with me. and maybe that is the hardest part of this. To see my life continue with new memories and different hobbies (all to fill the void and keep busy I think) is really hard, especially when I see the old and we are always together. As much as I want/need to move on it is hard b/c the past is so clear and I don't want to let all of it go. but I try to stop the tears and re-focus. It will be ok, it always is heaven is coming and there I will be complete forever with true joy and no more tears. So bring on the paint and lets finish the house even though it is hard it is a step forward. maybe.

this weekends workouts

Well my triathalon is just a couple weeks away, which is really really soon. So I am going to blog my workouts to increase the accountability cause last week I was lazy!! So Saturday I had a gym workout- mile warm up, pre workout stetchy things, two lengths of the racketball courts doing lunges w/menicine ball 1 length twist, one length lifting it overhead, briges on the ball, 20 crunches on the ball, alternate glute/arm raises on the ball, lat pull downs X20 reps at 60lbs, repeat these 2X then I did lunges with 8lb weights doing an overhead press with each arm 5 on each leg, 20 modified pull ups repeat this twice. Sunday I only ran 2 miles. Monday- morning swim- warm up(this is when I pray for all of you a lap for each) then 4X 300M, 6X 50M-IM order(total of 24 50s) then at night a gym workout- mile warm up, pre workout stretchy things, 20 bridges on the ball, 20 crunches, 12 pushups, 12 lat pull downs repeat this set twice. Then 10 lunges each leg w/10lb weight to do overhead presses, stretch, repeat. Then I did chest press machine 12X twice. then run 2min flat then 1 min at 5% incline for 15 minutes, then cool down. So for all you athletes there is my little workouts. It will hopefully increase as the week progresses. Lets just hope I find time to learn how to ride my bike!!

perks of the small house

This weekend I spent most of the two days preparing my house to be painted this comming weekend. I am so glad that I live in a tiny little house, I couldn't imagine doing all this to anything larger! So as of Sunday night the house is cleaned (I got rid of all the dust, dirt, and small animal homes) on the outside, I patched all the areas I could reach safely, and the windows are taped and sanded and ready to be primed. So Thurs. the priming will begin followed by a second coat to the wood parts on Fri. I think then Saturday we will be able to get the color part onto to the house and it be done!! There are a few other jobs on my wish list to, we will see if they get done. (molding around the window inside and out, hang mailbox & house #, finish the base boards in the kitchen, knock out the shelves in the laundry area and put new usable ones up, move furniture to the attick, place ply wood down in the attic so furniture doesn't fall through, hand mirror in the bathroom, fix light fixtures in hallway, laundry, and bathroom, plant plants I bought durring VBS week, dig trench for roses along wood fence) What a dream list!! Thank you for all of you are able to help. As you can see I really need help (in more ways than one).

what to do?

Today was an odd day. I was sick most of the night and most of today, but thankfully I had a training to go to so I did not have to worry about the kids (except that they called me at the meeting to tell me that my sub didn't show) anyways the wierd part of the day was when I called my older brother. I always like talking to him. He told me that my brother was sentenced to two years in state prison. When you take his time served already and the math formula they use to calculate the time they acctually serve it will be about 15 months before he is free. My dad was really upset when he talked with my brother so I called him and he wasn't happy but not as bad as my brother described, however he told me Joel will only be at men's central between 1-2 weeks then he will be moved so if I want to see him I should go. I wasn't sure what to tell him or myself. Do I go? If I go what do I say? I don't want to go with my dad, but Im not sure I really want to go by myself. what to do? And as much as I am trying to not live my life with "what would Mike do?" as my way to answer questions, I usuallycome up with a good answer when I do that, but tonight Im not sure what he would tell me. Probably to go and share Christ's love, but how is that done through plexie glass, when Joel always says the same things every time. So pray I will know what to do and what to say if I go and do I go solo or not? i guess thats alot of questions. God is in control!

GRRRRRRR!!

Argh.... well I am now attending the Beach, however now both my classes are going to be held off campus. I guess this is good, as I will not have to walk a mile to get to class or drive around looking for parking, however for once I tried to plan ahead and bought a parking pass, now I don't need it and probably cant sell it back so if you need the pass I have it. I think I am getting to old for this school thing. perhaps this off campus thing will be easier on my currently fragile emotional state. Go Beach. I think it is easier to say from a distance!

back to reality

Today was the first day back at work and the first day back at school(yet agian). Both were hard. I keep thinking that perhaps I am doing better with things, in fact I took a quiz in this grief book I just finished (thats right I finished yet another book!!!) and I thought I scored pretty well. However seeing coworkers faces and answering their questions today of "how are you" with my "alright how about you?" answer knowing they want to know more, but I am too stubborn to break down and be truthful, many of them Mike's closest teachers and I would love more than anything to be able to talk to them honestly like he used to. To just put Christ in the conversation, but I will have to work on that some more. The second half of my extremely long day was far more difficult than I ever would have imagined, in fact it never occured to me that I would have a hard time going to a place called "The Beach", but it was. Everyone else seemed so into the discussion and all I wanted to do was go home and if I had not said a word I would have been happy, even though the prof says our participation is important. We'll see how this goes. But what shocked me was as I wandered through the campus (the large campus) to find my car I walked past the PE area and started crying. Why? not sure except that I really wanted to call Mike and tell him how I got lost, how I wanted him to tell me where to park, tell me where the room was, I just imagined that if he were here all the things he would have told me today. I know that I need that I need to stop thinking in these terms and I have tried, but as I walked passed the courts I could see Mike in his classes playing, doing his internship stuff with kids, I wondered what it would have been like to go to the beach with him as he wanted, knowing nothing good would have come from that. But anyways the tears fell and well perhaps they will continue but God is still God and although I screamed at him in the car, I know that somehow this will all turn out for His glory and my good. not sure how but am trusting as hard is that is. So I will start my homework tomorrow and hope that eventually I will feel comfortable in my own skin agian.