back to reality

Today was the first day back at work and the first day back at school(yet agian). Both were hard. I keep thinking that perhaps I am doing better with things, in fact I took a quiz in this grief book I just finished (thats right I finished yet another book!!!) and I thought I scored pretty well. However seeing coworkers faces and answering their questions today of "how are you" with my "alright how about you?" answer knowing they want to know more, but I am too stubborn to break down and be truthful, many of them Mike's closest teachers and I would love more than anything to be able to talk to them honestly like he used to. To just put Christ in the conversation, but I will have to work on that some more. The second half of my extremely long day was far more difficult than I ever would have imagined, in fact it never occured to me that I would have a hard time going to a place called "The Beach", but it was. Everyone else seemed so into the discussion and all I wanted to do was go home and if I had not said a word I would have been happy, even though the prof says our participation is important. We'll see how this goes. But what shocked me was as I wandered through the campus (the large campus) to find my car I walked past the PE area and started crying. Why? not sure except that I really wanted to call Mike and tell him how I got lost, how I wanted him to tell me where to park, tell me where the room was, I just imagined that if he were here all the things he would have told me today. I know that I need that I need to stop thinking in these terms and I have tried, but as I walked passed the courts I could see Mike in his classes playing, doing his internship stuff with kids, I wondered what it would have been like to go to the beach with him as he wanted, knowing nothing good would have come from that. But anyways the tears fell and well perhaps they will continue but God is still God and although I screamed at him in the car, I know that somehow this will all turn out for His glory and my good. not sure how but am trusting as hard is that is. So I will start my homework tomorrow and hope that eventually I will feel comfortable in my own skin agian.