a finished house

It has been my goal since December 23, 2006 to finish this house. And wow the progress that we made. Now there are a few things left and as excited as I am to finish it, it has been really hard preparing for Saturday. Not just the physical part of it, but mentally. It has reminded me so much of what my life was like before that stupid trip away. We would get up go to work, get home change into the smelly work clothes and work until bed. It was tiring yet fun and we were doing it together. The last project we worked on was the roof. I was so proud of Mike b/c he got up there with me (which day 1 he didn't he simply cheered me on telling me how proud he was that he had a woman who would do what I was doing) but by day 2 he was up there (he wouldn't go up and down, but that was good excersize for me) We had fun and we finished it. The first day I came back home I went in the back yard, b/c I didn't think I could handle the inside, but when I looked up there was the roof and I lost it. I am so scared that that is going to happen agian. As I continue to sort through his stuff, and boxes we hadn't unpacked there are just so many memories. Sometimes they make me smile, others cry, and others simply ask why aren't you here. I keep wanting to miss him less and I guess the fact that I don't cry every single night anymore means that I do miss him less, yet I still have this huge part of me missing it seems. I don't think it is ever going to go away. Tonight I was at a fund raiser to help my sister, they were auctioning off single men and women. It was so hard to be in bar having random guys come talk to me so I would know them better in hopes that I would bid on them. Some were really nice and great looking, but I always thought of Mike and what he would say about them with his random comments and sense of humor that made an uncomfortable situation funny. I wish I had that tallent. I just wonder what God is planning and I now that that is not for me to know, only to trust and endure as Job did, but it is hard. I want to be excited about finishing the house not worried and feeling like Im loosing part of Mike b/c he' s not here to finish it with me. and maybe that is the hardest part of this. To see my life continue with new memories and different hobbies (all to fill the void and keep busy I think) is really hard, especially when I see the old and we are always together. As much as I want/need to move on it is hard b/c the past is so clear and I don't want to let all of it go. but I try to stop the tears and re-focus. It will be ok, it always is heaven is coming and there I will be complete forever with true joy and no more tears. So bring on the paint and lets finish the house even though it is hard it is a step forward. maybe.